The Eyes, They Really Are Windows

First, I'd like to apologize for what I'm going to do because my boyfriend isn't really comfortable with me writing about our private life online for people to read, but I've never used his name so if you don't know who I am then you don't know who he is. But I want to say I'm sorry before continue. This is pretty much a letter to him.

*

To the eight year old you,

You might not have that 100% innocent look most third-graders have, but you still look pretty happy. Uncomfortable with having your picture taken, but still happy. I don't know what's going on in your life at this point, but nothing majorly bad has happened yet.

Don't tell me it's because you're good at hiding your feelings. An eight-year old might be able to partially conceal some less profound emotions, but not the ones that come from emotional I don't know, pain?

You are adorable and I still think your unbroken nose is cute!

*

To the fifteen year old you,

You really hate pictures don't you?

Plus your nose is broken!!

But you look so sad. I mean like you had real life smack you in the face so much harder than it should have. There is zero joy in your face, no hope, nothing positive. Were you having a bad day or something? It looks more than that. It's so much more, such a deep pain like someone broke your heart. It hurts me. What happened between age eight and fifteen that just killed your positivity?

*

To you now,

You still have that look on your face, in the way you carry yourself and how you care for yourself. You still have no hope. Why? Your life is so much better; you have a job, a really nice apartment that we're moving into New Year's Day, a girlfriend who absolutely adores you, and a baby on the way. Your life is good.

Now I know that maybe you aren't ready to share all of your skeletons with me and that's okay, I'm not asking you to share with me. I just wish I could understand, maybe I'd stop touching that nerve that I keep hitting that I never know what I'm going to say that is going to set you off. No you don't yell at me or make me feel like I'm doing it on purpose but you do this kind of silent treatment/cold shoulder thing and it hurts. I just wish you'd stop being so sad and negative all the time. And the other thing I have to tell you is if you don't like your physique or your weight, do something about it. I love you for you, but if you aren't happy with the outside of you don't settle! Don't just tell yourself "If this is what I look like there's nothing I can do to change it even if I don't like it." You can. And I think if you made the effort you'd be a little less down. Stop beating yourself up over your lost football career, get back on the horse, get back into whatever shape you wish you had or that you lost, I'll support you. You know I will. I want you to be happy with yourself, inside and out. Can you tell me how to help you if you want help? Please?

I love you ♥

Emotions

Feelings. Strange things they are. They make you hate, love, feel jealous, worried, anxious, the full range.

How do I feel? Abandoned, unwanted, unattractive. I know it's just a small thing and that it really shouldn't matter but it really bothers me. There's a piece of this that I'm missing and I want to know what it is that I'm not seeing.

All I want is for us to take a shower together. One shower. Twenty minutes. That's all. Since I've started showing more we haven't taken a shower together. At least a month. We used to shower together at least once a month and now it's just excuses or "I don't really feel like it today" or just flat out no. Why? Is my pregnant stomach that unattractive? Is the fact that I'm no longer the flat stomached, emotionally stable, attractive girl you brought home a problem? I know this isn't what you signed up for. I'd told you I couldn't get pregnant and you were so over the moon that you didn't have to be careful that you weren't. And now I'm pregnant and moody and my stomach is six times the size it was before, I want to have sex all the time, I need so much more attention than before, I'm needy and pathetic.

I went from being that thin, happy, unable to get pregnant, teenage guy's dream girl (in that way) to a pregnant, bloated, grumpy, homesick girl.

What can I say?

And all of this out because he won't take a shower with me. I mean I don't feel attractive. I feel fat; my feet are swelling, my ankles are swelling, I can't pass a bowel movement (tmi I know), I can't sleep, my clothes don't fit and I can't afford to buy new ones. My doctor told me I couldn't have kids because of this cyst on my left ovary, that if I did somehow manage to get pregnant the cyst would burst and I'd miscarry. Well he was right about one thing, the cyst did burst and it hurt a lot. But I'm still here. Not exactly what I signed up for. Do I regret it? Not really. Maybe I wish it was a few years from now, or that I was closer to home but I do feel something strong for my baby. And that trumps everything. Every event that happens in life happens for a reason and maybe I don't know what the reason behind this is but I'm coming to terms with it.

There was never any doubt in my mind that I was going to keep this baby. No questions. Nothing. This is our child and I am going to love this baby and make them feel wanted. Because they are. And they always will be.

Long Overdue Pregnancy Update!

I've said I don't know how many times that I'd put up a recent picture of myself and of my already over-large belly and haven't. Well for those who have been waiting, here it is!

Fourteen weeks and five days already! Truth is, I'm starting to accept this and making it real. It'll be easier when we have out own place and I dedicate a cupboard to a collection of baby bottles (emergencies only!), bowls and cups we're going to need.

Surprisingly though, this move just hiccuped.  We can't move in on a weekend, we have to move on a week day. The current tenants aren't moving out when they said they would; they're moving on the 30th of December instead of on the 20th. Which means we get to move in on a Tuesday morning right before my boyfriend goes to work. Now I feel rushed and cramped and I really don't like it. Plus the family who live there right now told the landlord that they were moving out on the 20th and haven't notified him of the change when he asked to be kept up to date. Obviously having him in the know would make it smoother for the transfer of the keys and our giving him the cheques. Right?

Apparently the world never works like that. My life has not been easy and I still keep my head held high as possible and try to power through the worst of it. Sometimes little things do break me down, but when major obstacles appear (like a move or an unexpected pregnancy) I do tend to really struggle. I always try to stay positive; everything happens for a reason.

Smallest male boxers?

Petit Q Underwear is a line of male lingerie?
I don't know... I thought it was pretty interesting!!

Take a look!

Seriously, just check it out!! :D

http://vimeo.com/81445390

Moving day!!

Finally my boyfriend settled on a date for us to move to our new place. The fourth day after Christmas is our moving day! It would have been the 28th but my mom wanted us to go visit them on that Saturday, so we're putting off moving until Sunday. Which is super nice of him to change the date because I haven't seen my family in almost a month. Or so it feels.

Right now I should be starting the grocery list for shopping Friday, but I really don't feel like starting it now. My dear boyfriend is going to help me finish the list when he gets home from work tonight around ten or eleven.

The whole point of my doing the groceries this rest of the month is to show his parents that shopping in the States is not any cheaper than it is here; it's all about smart shopping. Check what's on sale every week and buy most of your groceries from what's on sale. I like to check the store's website if it has one, (most do now), and if they pass out flyers in the area, check in there too. Sometimes the flyers have options the websites don't; like coupons or two-for-one or buy one get one free (cool part is that once in awhile the free item is on your list!). Also our IGA's have a seemingly year-round offer: buy over 75$ (I think) of groceries and get a certain item free with your purchase. Often it's juice or Kleenex or paper towels. I remember once for two weeks or a month they were offering free sandwich-type containers with a purchase of 75$ or more!!

Check and compare prices between supermarkets and look for the best deal for the quality you want. Obviously spending seven dollars on a head of lettuce that's wilted at the top appeals to no one. Watch for the one dollar, two dollar, three dollar sales if your grocery store has that. Sometimes Maxi's has the 1$, 2$, 3$, 4$ sales and I bought fifteen limes for four dollars, instead of three limes for five dollars.

An example from this week's shopping (because yes, talking about sales and saving really got me in the right mindset to go look online):

Whole Milk (3.25%):

IGA: 6.99$/4L
Metro: not on sale, full price not found on site
Giant Tiger: also not found on site

Because two of the grocery stores I chose don't have the prices on their sites, I can also check in their flyers or call the store to find out.

Joy of Joys!

Wednesday my boyfriend and I went to my first doctor's appointment and I had my first regular check-up. Everything is fine, my uterus is up behind my belly-button which is actually kind of high for twelve weeks; but my boyfriend is a pretty big guy so we would not make a tiny baby!

I think the coolest part of the whole appointment was when my doctor took out the Doppler and said that given the size of my uterus and that I'm twelve and a half weeks the baby should be big enough for us to hear the heartbeat. She was right and it was the most beautiful sound I've ever heard in my life. I don't know what to compare it to, all I know was that made it so much more real to me than the ultrasounds. I almost cried right there in the office. I'm really getting excited now and I begged my boyfriend Thursday for us to go get one outfit; like the one that our baby's going to come home in. I was thinking a cute yellow or something. I just want one to fold and have there so I can just continue to be excited and really start getting ready. I should probably go check prices and sizes and stuff...

***

All the rest of this week (so until Monday), my boyfriend made me promise to dedicate it to us two. So no baby talk, no mentions of moving, no stressing. Is it easy? Gods no! I guess it's easier for him because he likes to avoid things that stress him out until the last minute and for big things like moving or a baby I like to be prepared and start way ahead of time. But I promised and I'm really trying my hardest to respect him.

I mean I understand why he said that. We need to work on our relationship quite a bit. Almost all we do now is argue because we're both very stressed out. Thank goodness we never stay mad at each other long. I can't stay mad at him long and he can stay mad at me for a bit longer, but we're never mad at each other for more than two hours or so and we always make up the same day. I don't go to sleep mad, I hate it.

I wouldn't trade any of this for the world. Not the arguing, not the stress, nothing. Maybe minimize it but, in a way that's proof that we feel something so strong for one another and our mutual well-being. ♥ 

Bagels

Suddenly been dying for a bagel with cream cheese. A nice toasted, 12-grain bagel with Philly cream cheese on top. I can taste it.
Like a Pom bagel, not one for Tim's (even though the picture is from Tim's).

I'm also getting sick, yesterday I slept from 4.30am (I had homework to finish) and woke up at 4.30 pm and felt like crap the whole rest of my "day" (until about midnight). Today I actually woke up with my boyfriend at about eight am and I haven't eaten yet, even though I should. But my stomach's just in upheaval and I'm not sure anything's going to sit right. I'll go make something light and take my pill and hopefully I'll feel better.

I wish I could make sandwiches like my dad can. He bakes them in the oven, a really tasty twist on regular grilled cheese sandwiches. He piles them with ham and turkey and bacon and cheese, stick them in the oven until they're golden and then eats them hot. They're really good. When I try to make them, they either stick to the pan or burn to a crisp and I don't know why.
Damn I'm hungry and homesick.

Plus I'm pretty sure I know why I have no motivation to do anything. I think I'm falling into a depression from homesickness and just the condition of where I'm living. I'm really hoping it'll get better. If I could see them more maybe I'd feel better. I just wish I could stop being so jealous of my boyfriend; he gets to see his parents every day whether he wants to or not. He get to eat his mom's food, sleep in his room, with all his stuff and he has his friends that he could see if he wanted to. But mostly he get to see his parents day in and day out. And sometimes I hate it.
If I want to go visit my family, I have to plan it a month ahead of time sometimes and then listen to arguments about gas money and time. Then I have to figure out where I'm going to stay and for how long. Then I have to pack my backpack with what I'm going to need if I'm going for more then one day. It's a huge hassle and most of the time I don't even feel like going because of all the money issues. It might have sucked seeing each other once every two months, but at least then I didn't have to listen to complaints about where's the money going to come from.
It's my family. If it's too much of a problem to understand that I miss them more then anything and I want to see them every day and if I could, I would. But I barely ever ask to go because I know what's going to happen and it makes me feel awful.

Tip of the day

When your boobs start getting bigger and all, I find that a cotton bra with no under-wire feels the best.

Also, think that in four months you'll go up at least one cup size and one band size. Keep that in mind and ladies; GET FITTED PROFESSIONALLY!!

Progress!!

Second ultrasound on the 26th went well. Baby is good, daddy-to-be says our little jellybean looks like an alien, I think our baby is beautiful.

I also have some fantastic news!
As you all are aware I was having one heck of a time finding an ObGyn, calling from the day I found out I was pregnant and it took six weeks for someone to finally hear me and take what I was saying seriously... Don't give up when you're looking for a doctor, call everywhere, hospitals, clinics, health line, get numbers from friends..... Someone will hear you and take you in. Boy was I starting to think I was never going to find a doctor! And then yesterday (???) I was seriously starting to just give up and my boyfriend's mom said her friend had given her the number for her Ob that I should call because apparently this office never refuses a woman. I was too down to call myself so I asked my boyfriend's mom to. The receptionist asked to talk to me after a bit and the first question she asked after DOB was how many weeks was I. She sounded so surprised when I told her twelve and that I hadn't had a check-up since I found out nor that I got refused at every office I called. But she gave me an appointment for December 4th!!! So glad that I finally have a doctor that I can talk to and ask all my questions and get more than a vague answer!

I am very pleased and I've started to relax and be a little less stressed about everything. I'm hoping that after that first appointment I can really start to just enjoy the fact that I've got a wriggly little one in there and I'm not sick! :)

I'm Hungry

I figure instead of worrying and stressing over the fact that there's no food, why don't I share my favorite recipes with you? And some that I want to try, but just haven't got the guts to dive in and do it yet?

I say why not? Who doesn't like to look at pictures of yummy food that's great for winter? Especially now, when it's really starting to settle in.

To start off, I want to try this really healthy, tasty-sounding lasagna recipe. Instead of the traditional ground beef or pork it uses cubed chicken. A lighter option for winter, perfect to make a break in all these heavy, hearty stews, soups, meat pies and sauces.

Credit for this recipe goes to Karin Calloway, and I got the link to her recipe from another blog (http://iowagirleats.com/) while trying to find a good way to reveal my baby's gender to the family (once we find out). I mean, a card is very normal, a cake with it written on top is too in-your-face for me, I wanted a subtle way to tell everyone. I find her cupcakes to be a really cute idea!

Back to what I was talking about... Creamy Chicken and Spinach Lasagna, I don't think you'll find a better way to eat cheesy chicken and salad together. Karen suggests pairing this lasagna with a salad or rolls, but what about a creamy soup? Carrot, broccoli, pumpkin, squash, whatever you want!

And just as a bonus, not that I haven't given you guys a really yummy cupcake recipe AND a lasagna recipe already; for all of you who love mac and cheese as much as I do try this spicy version.

Go eat!

No Food

It is the last week of the month and there's almost no food in the house. Now usually I'd joke about how I ate it all and how I didn't leave any for anyone, but this time I'm pregnant and hungry and scared that I'm starving my baby. Oh and all I've eaten today is a mug of oatmeal and a smallish serving of beans. Not even beans and a side, just plain white beans, nothing else. And my boyfriend's mother is the one who's constantly reminding me that I'm carrying her first (and only) "grand-baby" and how I need to eat and take care of myself.

Really? She's going to tell me how I should take care of myself. Right. I know (as I find myself constantly repeating) she means well. But I find her lax housekeeping and - possibly - unconscious way of making sure I feel like I'm going to die, starve or be condemned to eating food that tastes like cardboard highly uncomfortable. My dear boyfriend isn't completely understanding why I find this place quite repulsive nor my (to his mind) "obsession" with washing your hands after going to the bathroom or scratching your butt/balls/other. Nor do I believe that he realizes fully that teeth rot if they aren't properly cared for and that bad breath is disgusting, but most people are too polite to point it out.

Clean nails, teeth, body, hair and clothes show self-respect and pride. Dirty nails, teeth, hair and clothes usually portray the opposite. The same goes for the state of your home. If it's clean it shows you have respect for yourself, others and it's inviting. If your home is dirty and doesn't smell very nice, people usually don't want to visit and the smell seeps into your clothes, your hair, everything; and obviously those who live there might not notice it if they're used to it.

Now, I'm not saying my boyfriend does these things, nor that I'm describing him. To be honest I might be guilty of one or two of these.... Probably two or three. I know that, but I make a huge effort to take good care of myself and where I live. What's not easy is living with someone who says they'll help you but don't.

And that's why sometimes I wonder if I should try a little harder to show him why living somewhere clean is so much better. It's not high-class to be clean, it's just what people do when they care. Plus living in a filthy, moldy environment with a baby is awful.

I don't know, but I'll try anything!

Happy Birthday Babe!

Today is my lovely boyfriend's 19th birthday! 

I can't believe it's already here. Seems like just yesterday we were talking online and he was telling me that it was his birthday in a few weeks and that he was turning seventeen!! Wow time does fly! Now we're growing up way before we technically should, but I'm excited for us to have this life together, with our cat in our own place I'm hoping to call home for a lot longer then the last place we lived in together. :P

He's so handsome and strong and honest. He doesn't see himself the way I do which kills me. He says he's fat and ugly and dresses like he doesn't care. But I see someone who has charm (you cannot believe how much stuff he has gotten for free at the store because the female -or male- clerk has been flustered by him standing at their check out), someone who can make people bend to his will, sometimes without having to say a word, or after just a few words. Someone who has so much potential to do big things and go far in life, but he sets tight boundaries on himself and his success because what he wants to do as a career would require him "going out West" for ten month periods at a time, but I want him to follow his dreams and I want him to know I'll follow him to the ends of the Earth if he needs to go. I will. I want him to be happy, I want him to be comfortable in life, I want him to follow his dreams and just go. I'm sure he could if he really wanted to.

Babe, I love you and I want the best for you all the time, I want you to be happy and satisfied and not have to worry about anything like grocery money or rent. I want you to be able to live the life you deserve. Hopefully I'll get to share in it for a very, very long time. 

To many more birthdays and joys to come!

Ridiculous Cravings

If any of you have been pregnant or currently are, you know what I'm talking about. Cravings, those things that wake you up in the middle of the night sometimes or hit right in the middle laundry time. Where you wake up your boyfriend/SO and shake him/her going "Babe, babe! Wake up, I want some [insert personal craving here - mine's McDonald's fries, McFlurry and a Double Big Mac]. Can you run and get some for me?"

Personally I don't eat fast food. I don't like the feel of the extra greasiness or the heavy, over-full feeling after, or the nasty upset stomach it gives me. But since week 8 I've been dying to eat those piping hot, salty fries mixed with the cold sweetness of the ice cream after gorging on a fatty, unhealthy hamburger. I sound like a crazy person. 

Being pregnant is a kind of crazy; I find. The extra production of hormones our bodies don't produce much of normally and that we don't have to deal with, it messes with our sanity on a certain level. From all my research, there isn't a solid explanation for pregnancy cravings, but what if cravings were your body's way of trying to cope with the sudden change in hormone levels with foods that sort of pacified or alleviated the feeling of total hiatus raging inside? Foods we don't necessarily eat on a regular basis, foods we didn't really like.. And that the aversions are just foods our bodies find will worsen or just not help the chemical imbalance? 

***

For anyone who followed my yummy fast food links above, sorry for making you hungry!! :)

Monster-in-Law/ "Real date"

My boyfriend's mom doesn't like me; I'm sure of it. I make supper about two or three times a week and I make enough for four people (and a bit extra for me and my boyfriend, me cause I eat more than usual and for my boyfriend to bring some for work the next day), but say I'm a little hungry and it's not time for supper yet I'll make myself a snack. If she sees that I already have something to eat, she'll make supper for her and her husband and leave nothing for me to eat. Come on! I was feeling a bit peckish, sorry I made two or three toast and some carrot sticks forty minutes before you start making supper. I'm pretty sure five thick hamburgers can feed three people. One for me and two for each of you, I'll fill up on fruit after, that's fine. But this isn't the first time she does this. I've spoken to my boyfriend about it and he says she forgets. I'm freaking pregnant, my stomach is fat, I eat every hour, I'm grumpy one second and super happy the next, I get nauseous, I don't like being around smokers anymore, I'm taking prenatal pills and I have an ultrasound next week. How do you forget??

Know what she did? Came into my room when she got home, saw I had a bit of food on a plate, frowned, went into the kitchen made supper, didn't leave me any and totally ignored me until she went to bed at seven-thirty. Nice.

I know this is going to come off as cold or whatever, but when she comes over to our place and I'm eating, I'm not offering her any. I'm not buying coffee, so she can't drink any. She also won't be allowed to use the kitchen; like just go and open the cupboards and make herself that much at home. She will be a guest, not my future mother-in-law who could be comfortable in my home. She doesn't make me feel welcome because I don't have money and that I ask my boyfriend to get me fruits and vegetables to snack on (I don't really share because I learned my lesson. She'll eat most of it and leave me practically nothing in the span of at least three days from purchase), or juice or something, and he'll tell her that it's for me.

Argh! This woman is driving me mad. I can't wait to be away from her childish selfishness. And pretty much show her that making me feel awful and starving me out is not the way it works.

***

On a happier note, Todd took me out on a real date not too long ago, what three days ago? Oh boyyy I forgot already! When I say a real date, I mean not a "double-date" with his parent's there or with one of his friends and their girlfriends or that stupid thing we did when we didn't like each other. He took me to a restaurant and we had dinner (I had spaghetti; yum!), he paid. Then we went to the movie rental-candy shop and he let me pick the two movies. We walked home in the rain after picking up some chips and dip at the store and cuddled and watched a movie. He was so cute and awkward it kind of felt like a second or third date. He gave me his toasted bread, which I love because he saw I didn't get the customary garlic bread with my pasta. Great touch.

It was the best date ever!

I love you babe ♥

Motherly Feelings

I was talking with my boyfriend Saturday and he said he had noticed that I do have very protective - motherly - feelings for our kitten. He says he understands that when he bought her for me I was still sure that I couldn't conceive so the feelings that a woman would have for her (human) child, I transformed and made it a little bit more "appropriate" for our pet. On top of all that, when we did get her and bring her home she was four weeks old and absolutely petrified of the car, so much so that we had to pull over so I could hold her out the door and let her throw up. Obviously I don't dress her up or put her in a high chair or anything like that. I'm just overly concerned for her well-being and happiness, almost as a mother would for her baby. I like to watch her sleep, especially when she sleeps with her paws up near her face in that "I'm cute; love me and rub my belly" kind of position.

I guess what he's a little worried about [maybe] is that the cat will get jealous when the baby arrives and I turn most of my attention to the new arrival instead of her. I guess I should start trying to wean Diabel of all the attention she's getting, but I think it'll be easier after my next ultrasound and the move, where I'll have a much better idea of what to prepare for and that baby room'll start to be transformed. Oh! Which the cat, by the way, shall not be allowed in until it's done. For two reasons really; one - that I don't want her getting into what we already have given to us and what we're going to get, and two - for the first while our little one is going to be sleeping in our room and as much as I'm going to be getting up during the night I want her to accept and be over the fact that when the baby goes to sleep in his or her own room she still won't allowed in there. I'm just not comfortable having my spastic cat around a small child just during the first year or two. Probably two.

What else? Diabel's six months old now! And she's almost twice the size she was when we got her. She's filled out great I think and as my boyfriend discovered her stomach isn't as developed as he thought. Poor thing! He ran to the store in a pinch and they didn't have any kitten food so he bought "Cat food for all cats" and it went right through our kitten's system and she finished the bag in three days when it should have lasted a week. But since it was too hard on her stomach to digest, she didn't absorb much nutrients and she didn't stay full for very long. It sucked, but a few days ago we got her two bags of her "favorite" kitten food.

Yeah, I sound like a crazy person, I'm blaming it on these hormones making me over-emotional.

Anxiety....

So the hospital called me yesterday morning....  Was it yesterday? I don't know.. Yesterday was Monday, right? Yeah, it was. Did they call me on Monday? I don't remember. Yikes!
Sadly, I'm like this all the time. It's very tiring and frustrating. Anyways, whenever the hospital called, they scheduled another dating ultrasound for me on the 26th and I'm freaking out. I've heard of missed-miscarriages and how devastating they are. Miscarriages do run in my family and they're usually seemingly for no reason at all. But one thing does give me a bit of hope; if I haven't had any of the symptoms my female family has had, I'm most probably in the clear. No sharp lower abdomen pain, no headaches, no high fever, no migraines, no heavy bleeding, nothing. But I'm still really scared that something went wrong.

I'm really, really glad that my boyfriend can make it on the 26th. I know he's aware that I'm anxious for this one because of my family's history, but he doesn't actually know to what extent I'm paralyzed with fear. This is such a magical thing that has happened because I thought I couldn't have a baby the natural way. I had pretty much resigned myself to either surrogacy or adoption way later in life, like in my thirties; only if my career allowed for it though. The career I've chosen is really demanding and doesn't really leave much room or time for children unless I'm firmly established in the company or firm that hires me. Now I have to review and adjust the majority of my goals and my career path, which I'd love to pursue, just differently..
The reason why this ultrasound is so important and scary for me is because I know that I'm so worked up about it that I won't be able to look at the screen until he tells me that it's okay to look. I don't want to look before he says it's safe to because I'm terrified of being disappointed and crushed. So much so that I have nightmares about it and I can't sleep at night anymore.

I'll be so glad when this major anxiety goes away and I can just enjoy being pregnant.

Birch Beer

I realized that keeping this blog is even more useful than I thought. With the hormones and stress I forget everything - or almost - and I figure why not write at least every two days so that I can remember everything. Just to give an idea, I reread what I wrote yesterday and I didn't have anything more then a vague memory, like it had happened three days ago.

Days go by so slowly but then the next thing I know it's Sunday this week and I'm sure yesterday was Tuesday or Thursday last week. It's crazy!

On another note, I'm nervous for the hospital to call and my upcoming ultrasound. From the results of that I can finally know whether to go forward a bit more confidently and really start collecting and storing for my baby or to give it all away and buy a dish-washer and stuff to make PornStars and poison my liver and drown my sorrow in alcohol. *I'm only sort of kidding*

Oh my oh my~ If my boyfriend sees this he's going to 1) try to make sure I'm stable or 2) tell me everything is fine and is going to be okay. And then I'm going to try and believe him but in the end I most probably won't really, I'll just hang onto that and the doubtful part of me will try to gobble up that little spark of hope and extinguish it. ARGH~!! I hate that part of me that thinks I don't deserve anything good or happy. It's this constant battle of yes-no-yes-no, happy-sad and I'm so tired of it. I just want to know if it's alive and okay; is that too much to ask? I mean no one is taking me seriously! Every doctor's office I call ask all the standard questions: how far along am I, do I have health insurance, all that. This whole time they sound open, then they ask my age and the second I tell them I'm under 20 they shut down and tell me that they aren't taking any new patients. And I know that they are because I got their numbers from the hospital and they always check up on the numbers they give out to be sure that the office's doctors are taking new patients. It's really frustrating and I wish it would stop. I'm seriously pregnant and I really do need a doctor. I wouldn't make this up at all.

A Not-so-little Ray of Sunshine

Yesterday my boyfriend and I went to look at an apartment closer to his work (and so we could, you know, not live with his parents anymore) and we signed a credit check paper and the lease; which was only effective from the time the credit check passed, tonight I get a call from the landlord saying the credit check passed and we can go forward and start getting everything ready for us to move in New Year's Day!!!

Now I know that's a weird day to move but all we really have to move is our clothes, bedding and tv. I have no idea what we're gong to do about the couches, but right now I don't really care! In forty-seven days we're in our own place! Oh my gosh this is so great. Plus there's two really big bedrooms and I have the green light from my boyfriend to turn the smaller one into a nursery bit by bit. And still that nagging, scared part of me is like "What if you won't need a nursery?"

Phhhhhh~! I'm just totally stoked that we're going to live somewhere decent and that has buses! I'm forever going to be a "city-girl", not comfortable away from the noise and bustle of a place like Montreal.

I'm really happy that we'll finally have a place to our own for the next year and a bit, I just need to find a way to help my wolf-lover with bills and such. Maybe I could find a part-time job nearby or something. Worst case I'll actually apply for last-resort financial assistance, I'm not going to be able to work long, I can already barely stand for fifteen minutes already! Well, we'll figure it out like we always do, just this time we'll maybe have to scrape by for a bit. Which I know and I'm okay with that. We're starting out young with nothing really of our own and on top of that we're expecting a child. It's going to be tough for quite awhile. We'll pull through. I'm sure of it.

"My Way"

So we did it my way last night. I mean the whole time, not start my way and then halfway switch to his way. I was in complete control. To be honest, I did it because my nether region needs a break from his ah~ passion? And because I was 100% sure he'd never done it slowly before. Boy was I right; I thought he was going to pass out from anticipation. It was great seeing him like that. If I'm telling the whole truth though, I could have gone for a bit of a rougher round after! But I was relieved that he liked it a lot.

I guess what I wanted to do was show him that a little self-control goes a long way and not only in bed, but in all aspects of life. He's been having a bit of a hard time with keeping his very explosive temper under control. I know he's been feeling unreasonably jealous about me talking to people, especially other guys. I know for some people that's a huge red flag, but you have to take into consideration both our pasts and how the people we were with before smashed our trust to pieces without a care. So, we both have our problems and things we have issues with, but we do our best to support each other and show that we can trust one another. Anyways, what I wanted to say was that he did cross the line a bit night before last by checking my Facebook conversation because he figured he knew who I'd gotten a certain opinion from and he wanted to know what I said. Now I have a history of agreeing with people I want to get an honest opinion out of, and I do say things I don't mean at all (which is awful, I know). So far in this relationship I've been 100% honest all of the time. This is one relationship I don't want to mess up and I'll do everything I can to make it work. And that means we need to trust each other. He used to trust me with out question and suddenly he doesn't. He doesn't know why, he's told me that he knows that he doesn't have any logical reason to but he's just suspicious of everyone and he thinks everyone is lying to him and hiding things from him and it makes him angry and confused. He's just so frustrated and he explodes at every little thing. Personally I think the reality of us having a child and the sacrifices and responsibility that comes with having a child is starting to set in and it's freaking him out.

I mean seriously, we're not old enough or experienced enough to have a child right now. I know that. i'm not going to be the teenage mom going "Yeah, I can totally do this. I'm prepared." I'm not. I can't do this on my own, no way. I'm seriously going to rely on my family as much as possible and already those who know are saying that they'll help me out as much as they can. Give me their kids old clothes and toys that they can spare (i.e.: those that are not too worn out!) and a stroller, things like that. I know that this is my best bet at not completely messing up and resenting my child. When it really wouldn't be their fault. They had no say in being made. So, I think as long as I remember that and keep it at the front of my mind when I'm down or frustrated, I'll be able to appreciate my baby more and not take out my frustrations by making it feel unwanted.

Understandably, this child wasn't planned and came as a complete surprise a few years too early, but I want my child to know that it's wanted and loved. I know too that at some point he (or she) is going to figure out that his/her mom and dad are a few years younger than their friend's parents. And then my boyfriend and I are going to have to figure out what to tell them and if they don't ask, I don't think it'd be a good idea to bing it up.

Though I think we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

**NOTE**

As you guys may have noticed I had to put a warning because my blog has "mature content" which probably has stopped a lot of you from reading it. ((Or at least I think)) And since I don't know, I'm just going to change it back and hopefully then everyone'll be able to access and read again! :)

Strange Feeling

I should be about ten weeks right now, and most women have all these symptoms and stuff. Well, for some reason I don't feel pregnant. I mean, I've felt like this for about a week but I've been ignoring it and today it really hit me. I don't feel pregnant. Like no more bloating, no more feeling tired, no urges to eat a lot, nothing. I feel normal, like before I got pregnant. And I'm worried.

I Googled a bit, all I've found is that it's either everything is perfectly fine and my baby is fine. Or I had a missed miscarriage. You know, were the fetus stops growing and well.. Dies, and my body didn't expel it. Since I still haven't found a prenatal doctor, I have to call the health line (811 in Quebec) and ask what's going on and then I have to go to a CLSC and get checked out. Part that sucks is I'd have to do it early if I want my boyfriend to come and support me. He works nights... :/

I have no ideas

I don't know what to write about anymore. I mean really. All I have to talk about is sex, pregnancy and school. I have no life outside of that.

Anyways:
Today was my "wolf"'s first actual day of work.
Friday - Going over to my uncle's for supper Saturday (I live so far it's easier if I go over the night before)
Monday I'm applying for social assistance - Finally!
November 21st - Boyfriend's 19th b-day.. What to do?
December - Buying gifts for family, yay.
December 25th - Christmas. At home? At Gramma's?
Between December 26th and January 14th - Me and my lone wolf are moved out...
January 14th, 2014 - Two years that we're together, totally doing something special ^.^
February 14th, 2014 - Valentine's Day, it's a Friday, special supper if I'm feeling up to it :3
May 18th, 2014 - My 19th b-day and less then one month to my due date!!
June 6th, 2014 - (or around) Baby is born!!!!!

Phhhhh~ Yeah, that's about all I got. Blended all in there on Tuesday and Thursday nights I have class.

***

You know, I'm lucky thus far. I'm going to tell you about how me and my boyfriend/fiancé/wolf-lover met.

So, one day I was bored and I was on myyearbook.com as it was called at the time (aka. meetme.ca now) and I went on "Secret Admirers" and with my bestfriend, +Chanelle, we went through which guys I should "admire". As a joke she picked this guy whose dp was so try-hard and young that I just clicked it for fun. Didn't think anything of it. We started talking, but it was just a game. I didn't like him, he was a total prick, I mean he thought he could get any girl, play her and then move on. I gave him a run for his money, I could play that game just as well as he could.
As a joke I added him on skype, we talked there for ages... I added him on Facebook, we kept talking and then one day Chanelle told me to give him my number. 99% of me told me to give him a made up number or one of the numbers I'd gotten from another guy. But for some weird reason I gave him my actual number. Didn't expect him to call. He did. And he kept calling, I called him too. Oh and somewhere in all this I asked him out as a joke. He said yes, and we've been together ever since.
But, only after six months or so of being "together" did we actually start liking each other and being exclusive. Hell our first "date" was a joke! I got a free movie and got to stay out late, and the arcade was paid for!!
Now look at us, living together, engaged and expecting a child. We both never thought anything long-term was going to come out of two strangers playing each other on the Internet.

To be honest, I can't imagine life without him. I don't believe in soul-mates or true love, but he does complete me in a way that none of the other guys could. I could be alone all day, but knowing that I could send him a message makes me feel like I'm not lonely. I haven't felt like this in a really long time, and then it wasn't this complete.

***

Well.... That was sappy for me.

My life, it's falling apart

So, I'm nine weeks pregnant, normal pregnancy, nothing wrong. Plus I think I'm the lucky one. No nausea, no morning sickness, no headaches... I'm just hungry, tired, thirsty, mood swing-y and I have the weirdest cravings in the world. My boyfriend is super supportive, we're going to try and save up enough so we can move out by January the latest, so that by June (!!!!!) we'll be all settled and as prepped as possible for our little jellybean.

I'm having trouble bonding though. I mean, from what I hear the majority of new moms love their little ones from the get-go almost, and talk to them and sing to them while they're in the womb, but all I do is wonder if it's even alive still. I make "daddy" talk to it instead. I almost never refer it as "my baby", or even jellybean; that's new. In an effort to bond I came up with a nickname, but it's not really working. I feel nothing towards this unborn child growing inside me. I guess though that me worrying and wanting to make sure it's okay is a good sign. But otherwise, I feel no love and no attachment yet. No motherly feelings. But I read that some new mothers take time to bond and love their child after it's born and really there, like any normal relationship. It can take weeks, as long as I don't get depressed after my baby is born.

I feel so lost in this sea of emotions with, what feels like no one to talk to. I want to ask my mother, but I doubt she'd be able to explain to me what's going on. I'll ask her. .... ... ..... Phew! She says it's okay, that probably when I feel the baby kick I'll be reassured and start bonding.

I don't even know

So I have no idea what I'm writing about today, but yeah, so I think I'm pretty much going to ramble on about nothing until I figure something meaningful to write about. Uhhh, we did house cleaning from like 10 to 12.30am... And I'm still up, but most of the kitchen is clean and stuff. What else? Oh, I like when my boyfriend cuddles with me and runs his hand(s) down my side(s).. Funny that I'm writing this cause he's laying right next to me and I could just say so. Anywayys~

  I really don't know what to say. I seriously have nothing to write about. At all. Writer's block on my life. I mean really. I don't do anything fun worth mentioning.

  Uh, I finally made it to school last night. Fist class 'cause I missed the actual first two. Gods, I forgot how long 75 minutes could feel like once you got tired. I have another class tomorrow night, at like 9.30 and yeah. I can't wait.

  No, I really couldn't care less, I mean, 1) I hate school, 2) School is boring, 3) I don't even go in to school, I just sign onto an online classroom.

Hateful Lover

How you smiled at me and told me I'd be okay,
When you hugged me it's like I was home,
The last time you kissed me, I thought I went to heaven,
Like the day when you skipped school to come and see me,
I thought, "Now this is a good guy."

How we hung out at the park and you told me about your life,
And I hugged you as you cried,
And I told you that you'd be okay,
The roles reversed and you just shook your head,
"No, it won't."

How I wished you'd stay even though it was late,
And my mom wanted you to leave,
And how you always knew how to make me laugh,
You were my rock, the strength I leaned on,
You said you'd always be there for me.

You told me you ruined my life,
But I was sure you were the best thing that happened to me,
I would never trade any of the memories I had with you,
For anything in the world,
Nothing was worth more than the good times and the bad times,
That we had.

I couldn't stand the sight of you, yet I longed to hear your voice,
I couldn't stand being with you, but I longed to feel your touch,
I couldn't stand the way you lived, and I wanted to make it better,
But it won't change the fact that I turned you down.

I stomped on your heart after you ripped mine out,
You lied to me, thought I was blind,
You didn't expect me to be the strong one,
You didn't expect me to come out at the top,
You didn't think that I would survive,
You didn't that I wouldn't be crushed,
You didn't think that I thought,
You didn't think I was me.

But here I am,
I've fallen for someone better,
Someone I want to be with,
He's the one,
You were the mistake.

No news

Don't really have much to say..

Sex is still fantastic.

Love my cat.

Love my boyfriend.

Living with his parents is fine.

I'm still alive!

Smiles~!!

Score!!

 So, I know this is supposed to be about my daily life and it's sort of starting to turn into a story of my sex life... Well here's something about my daily life.

  We're moving back in with his parents. We just can't afford the bills and only getting about $322 a week and paying $380 a month for rent. Plus we spend about $150 or so on food every two weeks. In a month he makes about what? $988, and then we spend $380+(150*4)= $980 on necessities, not counting our heating and electricity nor our internet/tv/phone bundle.. Therefore we really need to spend about $1200 a month and are obviously not bringing in that much. I cannot work here, cause like I said before, there's no work for me here. I'm trying to get welfare, but the government is being an asshole. Worst case, I'll try to get a job at the IGA down the street from my in-laws, where I'll be staying. On top of all this, we need a bed-frame and a new mattress and pillows, because ours are finished. We don't have a bed-frame right now.... The box-spring is under our mattress and under that we have a wooden frame covered with fabric and that's straight on the floor.

  I'm actually glad to be moving back in with his parents. They're pretty cool and I like them, we get along well and at least me and my boyfriend will stop feeling so sick all the time. We think there's mold in the walls or something, because as long as we're out of the apartment we're fine. When we save up enough, the four of us are going to rent a house (probably) and live there for awhile, so that we can save up and be better prepared to move out again on our own. Hopefully by then I'll be done school and will  be able to find a job in either Sherbrooke or Magog...

***

  Found something that drives my boyfriend crazy last night. I was asking him if he knew what he wanted me to do to him, and he kept telling me no so I told him to direct me. Tell me how he wanted me to touch him. He ended up saying he wanted a blowjob, which I don't mind, and for fun I told him he could't look. I didn't want him to cheat, so I took the blanket and put it over my head and from his waist down. As I started going down on him like I usually do, his toes started curling and his fists were clenching and he started breathing really heavy. Panting almost. He was groaning and pushing his hips in time with my bobbing on him. It was great; I mean, he's told me before that I'm really good at blowing him, because the last girl he was with would drag her teeth up and down, almost like she was eating corn! He said it was the most painful thing he'd ever experienced, and it didn't help that he hated her. But I don't think out of any of the girls he was with managed to get the much of a reaction out of him. He's usually so quiet, no groaning or moans or anything beyond heavy breathing really. But what I did last night, he loved. He said it drove him crazy being able to feel but not see what I was doing. It really intensified the sensation for him.

  I mean, I'm glad to be able to return the favor. He's really good at making me feel amazing, so the least I can do is do the same for him. ♥

Kama Sutra

  My boyfriend surprised me last night when I got out of the shower; he was online looking for the Kama Sutra so that he could order it for us to try! Which I find hilarious, considering I found a free online version that has 100 positions with detailed explanations on how to achieve such ludicrous positions..

  Personally, I would be amused to try out each individual position. You know, one day pick one and be like "We're doing this one tonight." Or tomorrow night, or whatever... I'm always up to try something new. I have a bit of a BDSM streak in me and we dabbled in that a bit. Light stuff, like restraints made out of bed-sheets or a tie or whatever, nothing hardcore like electricity or nipple clamps. Ouch! Though I'm still waiting for proof from my boyfriend; he claims to be able to bring me to the O by using only a feather and having me restrained spread-eagle on the bed. Please, the last time a guy told me that he could pleasure me using only a feather, he didn't tie me up properly and accidentally tickled my feet (which are extremely ticklish) and I ended up kicking him in the face and broke his nose. Oops!!

  Five minutes and he'll be home.. Yay, I get to race him in his video game - Midnight Club Los Angeles - I'm so going to lose. I can't race for shit.. I usually end up forgetting where the brake is or how to reverse and I either crash or get caught by the cops or with my luck - blow the bloody car up. Fantastic. I should let you know how it goes, I'm sure it'll be quite amusing for you.

  À demain!

Disappointed Again..

  So I got pregnant in August and everything was going well. I felt pregnant, and I knew I wasn't going to start my period anytime soon, which I didn't and then last week everything started going wrong. My back was hurting way too much and I had the WORST cramps ever. Now, yes I know, that should be a sign to go to the hospital but I didn't because I've had an early miscarriage before; that one at three weeks and this one was at five weeks. This time I'm totally devastated and my boyfriend is a little confused about how he feels because before we were together he was 100% sure that he didn't want kids. Seeing who he was with, I can understand why. I was with a complete asshole and I really didn't want kids either. Neither of our SO were fit to be parents. Personally, I didn't think I'd be a good mom and I didn't want to mess up and have a kid with him.

  Maybe it's meant to be. Maybe I'm not supposed to be a parent. Lemme tell you, that was a lot of blood, really gross. I wouldn't wish this on any woman. It totally sucks.

  Pour conclure, we aren't going be TTC, because apparently I can't carry a child past the first trimester. We're just going to y'know, have fun ;) And then whatever happens, happens. But the second I skip and the test comes back positive I'm going to the doctor. Hm, crazy talk from an eighteen year old girl.

***

  Hey! To update my other post, from the twelfth of August, Holy F$@! That's all I have to say. Y'know that weird variation of the missionary? That one where the girl is like lying on her side? The one where both her legs are on the same side? Anyways.... Yeah... That one's mind-blowing and for some reason since I got back from my little one-week vacation, our sex has been fantastic! Usually I get my O before he does which sucks, because his muscle spasms are fantastically sexy. But since Friday night we finish at the same time and it's the best. I love the feeling of us so together and the look on his face is extremely satisfying and hot. ♥

Night!!

Incentive

  In the past two days I think, or the past week, he's lost ten pounds and I'm counting calories for the two of us like a crazy person. Me because I want to gain weight and him because I want him to be healthy, and he wants to lose about eighty pounds so I'm his designated dietitian, and I help him work out (push ups and crunches) and we try to go for a walk before he goes to work. Plus he really likes the whole if he works off calories then he can eat a bit more, and one of the exercises he enjoys I do too. ;)

  And I promised him something a little extra for the first ten pounds he loses and the next ten'll be something different.. Y'know? A reward. Something he likes that I don't do often.

  I'm not obsessed about my weight, nor am I about his, more just very concerned about the fact that how much he should weigh for his age and height is about how much he should to lose. But we're aiming for something that's doable for him and I'm going to support him and cheer him on no matter what. That's what love is, wanting the other person to be healthy and loving them no matter what.

  I don't want him to know because I think it'll hurt him, but as much as I love him, sometimes I get a bit turned off by his stomach because of how it gets in the way in some of our positions and stuff. :/

  But hey, I'll get up to 120 like I want and he'll get down to his target weight and it'll be great.

  Wow, I sound really shallow... But I'm not. I'm obsessed with being healthy and I want the person I'm with to be healthy too. And to be very honest, for his weight he looks good, he doesn't look like he weighs that much. I've seen people who weigh as much as he does and they look it. And it's gross. Being overweight is not pretty, nor is it good for you. But yeah...... That's the end of my spiel. Uhm yeah..



I think I'm going crazy

Spicing it up

  So, you-all know how I said that things were different-bad? Well now they're different-good; we're starting to find the balance between being best-friends, lovers and roommates.

  Seriously.

  And since for the two of us sex is special, we're cutting back on the "fuck-our-brains-out-every-night" and going more for "hey-you're-tired-tonight-want-a-back-massage-with-a-movie" kind of approach. So when we actually hit the hay, we can experiment. And oh gods am I loving it! Not gonna go into details, 'cause you really don't need to know, but it's fantastic.

  And tonight... Well, when he gets home from work and isn't too tired, we're going to play a game, a game that involves me dressing up a bit. That's all I'm going to say because I have to go clean up our apartment so that when he gets home, tired or not, it'll be clean.

Night chickens~!

Diabel, work & home

I think my boyfriend is allergic to the cat, because he keeps sniffling and his nose is stuffed and his sinuses are blocked. Poor thing, he's being a good sport and didn't say anything until yesterday. I could tell he wasn't feeling too well for a few days before, but since he wasn't saying anything I wasn't going to ask, not because I don't care, just because I know if he's really not feeling well, he'll let me know. Besides he hates doctors as much or more then I do. And I haven't been to see one in four years because I'll punch his lights out. Funny 'cause I'm not a violent person really. As I was saying, today after work today he wants to go to the hospital to figure out what's wrong. I seriously think it's allergies, that or a cold/fever coming on and the cat dander isn't helping.

  If I get a job and get out of the house, I know my slight allergy to Diabel would lessen. Now to print my CV two more times... Ah well, I'll do what I can with the one copy I have.

  The guy that lives in apartment number five is seriously starting to creep me out. He has to come down the stairs and walk by our front door to leave the building, but every time he leaves he'll pause and tap on our door. Same thing when he comes back inside. And he'll stop right outside the living room window and stare in at me. Now if he only did this once a day, I could tolerate it, but he does it five or six times a day. Creepy!! So I closed the window on the door 'cause you can take the screen off from the outside not the inside and then unlock the door. Do not want that. 

  My boyfriend read my blog last night, well I asked him if he did read it and he said he did sometimes, but hasn't recently. So he did and well if we keep progressing and working on our relationship like this, I don't see any problems in the future. It was a very unique "pre-evening" - to quote Sheldon - we watched porn together, well.... sort of, we kissed and nuzzled and talked about how with our exes there's no way we could have because said person would have a fit because of the actors (or so I'll call them even though they aren't) of the opposite gender in the video. Does that make sense? Whatever. And then when the video was over it was sex on the couch and then the kitchen table. And we actually talked, and lots more kissing, slow, sexy kissing up against the counter and while we watched a movie. So if I understood right, he felt a change in our relationship too, and we're both going to work on it, even though he's a live-in-the-moment kinda guy he does want me for the long run, and that takes an effort from both parties. We can do this I'm sure. :3

Relationship Changes

Recently I've started noticing changes in my relationship with my boyfriend. It's not that we love each other less or anything like that, it's just like he's tired a lot and I'm bored all the time and I sort of resent him for being able to get out and work. He's useful and it frustrates me because I feel useless staying home. Here there's no jobs for me, if we lived in an actual city/borough where there's like a Tim's or a Dollar Store, somewhere I can work! Here, there's manual labor (sweatshops) and uhm.... that's it. No place for me, I'm not able to do that kind of work. I can work with people, you know, like a waitress or a cashier. As my family says, I'm "delicate". Ugh~

  I wish that I could tell my boyfriend all this, but like I said before, he's tired almost all the time. Even though he says it doesn't change anything, I find he's less receptive to what I have to say. And I'm not complaining, let's make that clear. I'm grateful that he's working and supporting us for the moment. I think that it's stressing him out to pay our bills right now and his parent's bill for this month. I know I'm stressed and that sometimes I come off as annoyed that he's helping his parents out when I'm not; I think it's really nice of him to do that, and it shows he can be responsible.

  I know he noticed as well as I, that we kiss a lot less then before. And I don't mean full-on make out, groping, heavy breathing and all that. I mean like quick pecks in public and slow kisses in the kitchen. Even our foreplay doesn't really include much, if any, kissing. During sex either, and after well.... we've started retreating to ourselves and he'll get up real fast; so no kissing there either. Yesterday I discreetly mentioned it to him and we're both going to put in an effort to kiss more.

  He says we talk a lot, but about random stuff, which is true. But I think because of him being tired and me being homesick and all isn't conducive to good conversation. I can't really ask him how was work, because everybody knows he hates it. And I never have anything to say about my day because I watch cartoons all day and that's about it. I clean and uhm do laundry. Boring!! Example: When he comes home for lunch, he makes noodles and watches T.V. We don't usually talk past "Hello" and then sometimes he'll kiss me good-bye and it's either "Love you, see you" or "See you after work" and then after work... Well I dunno, we sort of talk. About what? I don't think we talk about anything really. I mean, no subject or anything.

  Now I really don't want to tell him this, but as much as we always switch it up, it's starting to be a bit routine. Always in bed, or we'll start elsewhere in the apartment and then end up in the bedroom. I want spontaneity, and more romance. I pretty much know exactly when we're going to and how it's gonna go down. I think it would be fun if he surprised me while I'm cooking supper and grab me and kiss my neck and push me up against the wall and we just kiss and let it go from there, y'know? ((I know, I know, what if the stove's on and supper burns? Oh well, then I guess we'll have sandwiches))

But yeah, I know he's tired and stressed, but I don't want our life together to be routine like that. Surprises are nice. I try to do the same, but he always shuts me down. And I know sometimes my timing is awful, like when he's watching T.V. or whatever, but his timing is weird sometimes too. Ah well, I'll talk to him tonight at the right time so that it doesn't come off as me being a bitch or needy.

Finally the guy's side~!

  ^ Just a link I thought was funny and slightly useful for both males and femalesThis link is no longer valid, sorry! :/

Fabulous fabulosity

I can't get up. My kitten fell asleep on my leg. I know, I know "just pick her up and move her so you can get up." But she's nine weeks old and has never fallen asleep on me. She fell asleep on my boyfriend's mom and on my boyfriend; but never on me. It's never happened and as much as it inconveniences me, I'm gonna enjoy this moment. XD

  Silly part? I'm sitting in my living room in a towel which has fallen around my waist and no I can't bring it back up because Diabel (kitten) is sleeping on the folds. I think though I'm going to get up at some point cause waiting for my boyfriend to come home for lunch would be a terrible idea; he'd most probably laugh at me and take a picture. And I'm getting a bit cold and hungry.

So I thought this was funny....

Wake Up!!!

Yeah, that's all (;

Is there really a problem with what I want to name our daughter?

  So my boyfriend and I were talking the other night and I asked him what if we had a daughter? Not what we want, but it's a possibility. Seeing as we already decided on what we'd name our son if we had one, why not plan ahead and chose for a daughter?

  I wanted her first name or second name to be a derivative of Emily (Emmy, Ema, Emmaline..), but I wanted two names if it was a girl. I find it sounds more sophisticated when a girl has two names, I do and so does my sister. My brother's lucky, he's got three. Two first names and a second name 'cause my parents couldn't agree on what his first name should be.. So he asked me what girl names I liked and I jokingly said I love the name Primrose. Which I do, a lot. Not because of the obvious connection people would make with the Hunger Games (which I am a huge fan of by the way), but because when I was younger there was this shade of purple/pink that was really deep and I fell in love with it right away and has been my favorite color since. I'll c/c a picture of the color for those of you who don't know what it looks like. But anyways, when I told him the name Primrose he laughed at me and asked if it was because of the HG, and I explained to him what I said above. He said that it was a nice name when you take it in that context and not **SPOILER FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT HAVEN'T READ CF** connecting it with the innocent girl that gets blown up to hurt Katniss and break her. So, if we have a daughter her name is going to be Primrose Emilia.

  Sure, I think a lot of people in my generation are probably going to name their kids after book characters, especially those with a hardcore fan following, or those who are into multiple fandoms, but honestly if you take those names out of the books and into the world of reality, they're really nice, old-fashioned names.


  Sudden topic change: Probably going to see my best friend this weekend, well like tomorrow night till Sunday afternoon, and my boyfriend's having a party-kinda-thing and everyone's gonna be drinking, except me. I can't drink cause I'm trying to get pregnant. Not relevant, continuons, donc: I haven't seen +Chanelle in like a few months and I'm a little bit homesick right now. Actually pretty freaking homesick. I live right on the border and there's no one I know here. I don't have any friends or direct family up here, just my future in-laws, but I still feel so alone. Some days I'm okay, and I don't feel so lost; but recently I've been feeling more and more lost and alone. My boyfriend does his best, he's really supportive and understanding and I know that sometimes he feels guilty about taking me away from everything I've known my whole life just so he can be happy. Really, I like seeing him happy, it makes me feel like I'm doing something. I like to feel needed and useful because I've spent so much of my life being made feel useless and like a waste of space.

  And I had the weirdest dream last night: I had a son and I hadn't seen him since he was born and I was going to visit my parents and my Gramma was bringing my son over so I could see him and take him home but she came with my aunt and her daughter who was about two in my dream. As they're pulling into the driveway I realize that my son is three months old and thinks that my aunt and grandmother are his parents. It made me really sad that because of whatever I was doing with my life had prevented me from caring for him like I should have. I went out to the car to take him out and my Gramma tells me to be careful 'cause he's sleeping and then my aunt takes him into the house, totally ignoring me and acting like he was her son. That sorta ticked me off because we had made a deal; when the time came for me to take him back, that was it. But then I saw that all my cousins were also coming over and my uncles were there with their wives and I realized that it was probably for the best that they thought that my son was hers for now. After everybody left, my aunt took my baby and brought him into the guest room so he could sleep. I followed her and sat on the floor next to the bed so I could watch him sleep. She stood there and told me that she thought I was a terrible mother because I wanted to have a good career more then I wanted a child. Then she walked out. While I stared at my son I saw that he looked a lot like his dad. Some time went by I guess 'cause then it was supper-time and I got to feed my child for the first time since we both left the hospital. His eyes were a greenish-blue already. When my boyfriend came to pick me up, we stopped by my grandmother's to pick up all of our baby things so we could take him home. When I woke up I actually felt sad. There's no way I'll let that happen if I have a baby; it's my child for me and my boyfriend to take care of full time, no one else's.


A COLOR SWATH: PRIMROSE

Ugh~ Sick

So I've been sick since about Friday with some sort of cold, you know; sinus pressure, migraine, sore back, slight fever and exhaustion.. Plus my boyfriend and I offered to watch a friend's son until Saturday afternoon (but he only ended up getting dropped off at his grandmother's on Sunday afternoon, due to some drama and the parents not being "able" to pick him up because they "didn't have enough gas in the car" but had enough to go to the festival......), and this hyperactive boy is four years old, demanding almost constant attention and energy. He also ate most of our food, which was basically enough for two people for a week, and now we're running a little low on food and groceries only happen on Fridays when my boyfriend gets paid.

  Oh right, I don't have a job right now, only he does and I'm relying on him fully; something I hate. Thankfully he gets paid every week and that I do believe I'm eligible for government support so I'm applying for that and if I get accepted I'll receive my first cheque by about August first. That'll help a lot 'cause I'm going back to school in the fall and so is he, which means he'll be in school full-time for the next two years and not be able to work and I won't be able to work either.

  Hopefully this month is our lucky month, but no matter which way it goes, we aren't going to tell anybody. If it goes the way we want it too, we won't say anything until at least four months. The huge disappointment of last month was a lot to handle, plus everyone's added compassion just made it that much worse. I know that being in school and possibly pregnant is a terrible idea, but I've handled more demanding things while in school and I did fairly well, and that was without motivation. This time, I really want this and I'm going to do well no matter what. And by the time I finish my course my child would be around the age of one. But let's cross that bridge when we get there.

  Yay kitten~! I'm getting it on Sunday I think.. It should be old enough to leave its mother by now and we've got everything ready for the new addition to our family. Litter box, kitten food, sleeping area.. Only thing we don't have is toys and stuff. But that can come later when we can afford it. And my boyfriend is getting his cat sometime near the end of this week too. She's about a year old and will teach my kitten everything it needs to know.

Well I gotta go get do the dishes and get dressed. Got an appointment today~!

So I'm terrible at keeping a blog, like I said at the beginning. I will do my best to update you-all on everything that's happened since April.

1. I finally moved out of my parent's place. It was a bit spur-of-the-moment and mean, but I'm so much happier and less stressed. I've been living with my boyfriend/fiancé for about a month and a half now, but we only moved the two of us into our own apartment on Sunday. It's great, he works all day and since I don't have a job yet, I stay home and do the laundry and housework and stuff.

2. I went on vacation. Spent a week in Arizona to visit family and relax. I miss all my little cousins and my aunts and uncles. It was great to see my Papa (grandfather) after three years. We didn't interact much because I was always busy with the kids.

3. I got engaged. A few days before I left for Arizona, my boyfriend jokingly proposed to me with a Subway's 5$ cookie plate. I didn't believe him. Later that night he proposed with a container of toothpicks. I still thought he was kidding. But right before we went to bed I asked him to be serious and tell me the truth. I thought he was gonna cry, he looked so nervous. So he asked me seriously, and of course I said yes. Then the day before yesterday (I know, delay between proposal and ring is weird, but we aren't your traditional couple) I got my engagement ring. It has a purple center stone in the shape of a heart and two teeny diamonds, one on each side. I love it!

4. We are trying to get pregnant.... I think I had an early miscarriage this month which was depressing. We were so looking forward to having a little one. I've never seen him look so disappointed and down. It made me want to cry, I mean I was really looking forward to being pregnant too. But when the pain came and the weird blood, I knew it wasn't going to happen.

5. I'm getting a kitten! He's the runt of the litter and I can get him at the end of this month. He's grey and fluffy ♥ My boyfriend didn't want a cat; he wanted a dog. But his Gram showed him two of her cats and he fell in love with of of them so he's going to adopt her.

There, I think that's everything I've really done so far. I'll post up pics of my ring and vacation asap.

SCARS

You can't see mine;
They aren't on my skin.
They run deep,
Crisscrossing my heart.

You can't help me;
They'll never go away.
They run deep,
Covering me with blood.

Then he fixed me;
Smoothing over the damage.
I can live again,
But this time I know I can break.

You can't see my scars;
They aren't on my skin.
They run deep,
But I still know how to love.

Travel Time~!

For those of you who don't know, I'm having a hard time keeping it together these days, but I get to go on vacation this summer for a week or so. I'm so excited! Arizona here I come!!

And besides, I haven't seen my Papa (grandfather) in ages and I'm dying to see him again. I'll also be able to see a lot of cousins I haven't seen in quite a few years too. It'll be great; a whole week away from my whining, bitching, depressed family. And I won't have to worry about cleaning or cooking or any of that until I get back.

What else is new....

Oh right. I got accepted into the college I really wanted to get into, with the program I wanted. So by ?October - November 2014 I'll be a certified Administrative Assistant. Something I found out I love doing; being a secretary. At least now I have a goal in life. Before I didn't know and was just wasting time. Now I know and that's what I'm gonna do.

On another note, I miss my hair. It's just long enough that some curls touch the top of the back of my neck, and I realized that I wish my hair was longer. And it doesn't help that some people make me feel less feminine because my hair is short. Ah well, I'll post up a picture next time :)

Talk Time

Four days until Valentine's Day, the worst day of the year. Not only will I be unable to see my amazing boyfriend, I'll have to sit through an awkward dinner with my parents. Their relationship is forced and I haven't spoken to my dad for about three days now.
Not that I care, and I sort of deserve it; I kinda got mad at him when he yelled at me so I took all his boxes of stuff out of my room and piled them all over his den. Then I wrote him a lovely letter, pretty much telling him that his crap isn't my problem and that it has no place in my room. He should find a place to put the boxes, not me - cause my place for them is the trash. But logically, why should I find a place for his stuff that he's kept in my room for four months, constantly telling me "Yeah, I'll find a place for them soon." And never telling me if he found one isn't right.

When I moved the boxes and crates (oh yeah, there's milk crates too), I found that the floor was so damp that it was grey with mold; no wonder I wasn't feeling well. So I had to get a bucket with hot water and bleach and scrub the floor clean. Getting high off of the fumes was awful. [Note to self: Next time wear a mask] At least now my floor is clean of mold and the area is uncovered so it can air out. My room also smells a ton less musty, more like the air-freshener I use.

I'll post up a picture of my room after I paint. Should probably update what I look like too.. xD

~.~