Great.. Just ..... great

Nothing like a healthy dose of "homesickness" and "remorse" to make this mama feel good.
I want to do the impossible, not in a "climb-mountains-save the homeless-make-the-world-a-better-place" impossible, more of an "I-want-to-go-home" impossible.
Plus now things have started to go south with my ex. Which is making me want to give up. Just the mother bear part of me is telling me I have to do what I see is best for our daughter. Not because I want to hurt him or make him suffer, I don't. Two years of love, a solid year of attraction, ten months of living together, and having a child together.. All those feelings aren't going to disappear overnight, I'm not going to decide I want to hurt him because that would make things nasty and hard on our daughter. And he hasn't done anything to make me want to hurt him.

ARGH!!

Just ugh. Why is this happening?
If I listened to the stupid, scared part of me I would be a mess on the floor, crying and being pathetic, wanting him to let me come home, begging. But the strong, mother inside of me is telling me to do the right thing for our child. Finish school, get a job, change cities, start over somewhere without all the memories, be a good role model for the baby.

We aren't getting back together, I'm not a moron. He hates me and blames me for not seeing his daughter. He's not seeing that if I stayed, this would have been worse for the child. It's better this way. Just because he doesn't see what's going on behind the scenes, he doesn't see what my best friend sees, he only sees what I let him see. Which of course is difficult for me, all I want to do is talk to the gentle, reasonable, kind person I knew. The person who is gone, whom I'll never see again.

Happy Valentine's Day!

A close friend came over last night under the pretext of being extremely upset just to surprise me with a Valentine! :) She made my night, I didn't suspect a thing!!

Otherwise I'm not to crazy about this day where couples are pressured into showing insane amounts of love when they should show they love their partner every day. My opinion, don't worry. If you want to celebrate Valentine's, go right ahead, I hope your efforts are appreciated!

I made a huge decision yesterday. After tonight, no more wallowing and feeling mopey. I'm going to get up, get dressed, do my hair and be productive. I've been sad long enough. I have an amazing daughter who needs me and it would be a shame for me to throw away or damage our wonderful relationship. Besides, there is so much to be happy about, one thing isn't enough to ruin all the rest.

Soooo, to all you lovers

Happy Valentine's Day!!!!! ♥

Memories

Looking back over the past three years, I can see that we got lost.Very, very lost.

I don't think he was in love with me for a while at the end of it. I know that when the baby was born and he promised to stay and then promised to come back because he had to leave, and didn't.... that's when I figured it was a matter of time before it was over. I was heart-broken, I had just given birth to our child and he had more "important" things to do. More important than celebrating the birth of his daughter. That was crushing. By the time she was two months old I had started to believe that no matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried, I had lost him. I just couldn't admit that we had failed.

How could we have gone from heading in the same direction to taking two separate paths? We were happy. He made me feel comfortable, like I could be myself, tell him all about my dark past, my regrets, my mistakes. He didn't judge me, didn't call me dirty, he was understanding and kind.

I get surprised look when I tell people who ask that I'm not angry it's over. I'm not relieved either. It's a mix of hurt, lost, relief, pain. I don't know what to do, I have a baby who screams for her father daily and I don't know what to tell her. She doesn't understand why she can no longer do what she's become used to. Phone calls and Skype messaging stop just like that. It's not me who's suffering, she is. She wants to see her father but for whatever reason he always has something "important" to do. I'm not saying this bitterly or angrily. I don't see what could be more important than your child. Sure if you work five days a week I'll be understanding if all you can do is leave a quick message for her, but weekends take just ten minutes to video chat, build a relationship with her. It is possible even if you aren't seeing her in person. How else could her sadness be explained? She knows who her daddy is and it's affecting her that she can't see him. I can't force him to, but I need to know what to tell her.

You know. I have no idea why I fell in love with him. I was so surprised that this awkward, cursing, boy could have affected me like that. Really. I think the part that made me laugh the most was his constant "I'm not romantic" line he'd throw out right before he'd do something completely romantic and adorable.

I'm not going to say that I want us to get back together for the baby's sake. I'm not going to say it for me. I am going to say that I want us to be happy. I want to look back on this and learn from what we did wrong. Whether I'm with him or not, I am going to do things differently. Speak up and face things head on, avoiding or not speaking about a problem doesn't make it go away or get better.

Of course, my idea of a perfect family is a little different now. I really don't know what I'm going to do. I feel like I'm thinking in circles, useless... Things fell apart because we stopped communicating properly. Good communicating includes listening. And we stopped doing that.

If I'm being honest, I miss the relatively sleepy life of a small town, the fairs and things like that. I miss it all but I was there for the wrong reasons, no matter how much I tried to fix it.

Perfect Picture & Valentine's

So I used to have this idea that my family would be whole. My baby, my husband, my cats and myself. For some reason I still have that idea. That my baby and her father will live under the same roof and have a relationship. Crazy, but I do.

But I'm not going to marry him, I'm most probably not going to live with him and we are going to share the custody of our daughter... Which is going to be horrible for her. The back and forth of different houses, different rules and expectations, different way of doing things.

All I hope is that we can agree on parenting styles and make the two houses as similar as possible for her. Make sure that we are united in raising her even if we are not a couple. All I want is for Chickie to be happy and healthy.

***

Valentine's Day.

Should be a hard time for me, considering. Right?

Well, I am actually not bothered by it as much as I thought. Yet... I'm hoping my vague annoyance at the day doesn't grow into sadness. It's just a day like any other as long as I don't go out. I'll celebrate my daughter ahaha she is the love of my life. :)

Family can be awkward

So some of my older, more traditional family members contacted me and asked when I was getting back together with my baby's father. They pretty much told me I had already shamed the family enough by having a baby without being married so the least I could do was get my shit together and keep my relationship functioning. I know they didn't say a thing about how he should get his shit together, that's just how it is. It's up to the woman to do everything right. Crazy people!! They try to be understanding but this kind of thing has happened at least twice in my family and they don't want me to have to go through the same thing.
Sounds weird, but this is how they show they care..

I don't know what to tell them.

How do you respond to that?

I just said that I don't know if we are getting back together. Right now I think this is best for the three of us. Sure it's hard sometimes and I forget but I know I lost myself and it didn't help our relationship. All I want is what's best for my Chickie, that also means that I have to be happy, if that means that her father and I decide that it's in everyone's best interest to stay apart, then that's what it will be. If we decide to try and resume our relationship, then that's what'll happen.

Besides, this just happened on Tuesday, let a girl breathe! I'm still eating frosting on the bathroom floor regularly, I'm so not ready to talk to him about us. Give me a few months to figure things out..

I'm glad my family cares about me, sometimes they're just a bit pushy!

I was wrong

I cried at one o'clock this morning. Not heaving sobs, I just tipped my head back and a few tears rolled down, it was a horrible idea :P

One of my best friends came to spend the afternoon yesterday... We made ourselves an early Valentine's Day cake. Regular Duncan Hines Chocolate Fudge cake, we replaced the three eggs with a cup of unsweetened apple sauce, baked it for 45min @ 425F, pure moist deliciousness.. Iced it with some Vanilla Frosting (with a bit of purple and red food coloring for that Valentine's feel), it's heavenly ♥

The cake was so moist when we unmolded it, it fell apart!

I'm excited to show you guys what I've done with my hair, it's the complete opposite from my natural dark brown curls ;)

Break ups

I don't mind a clean break up. A mutual agreement to dissolve a relationship. None of this emotional, messy, weepy business... I hate that. Why am I saying this? Well, my boyfriend and I decided to end our relationship two days ago. Thankfully he's agreed to remain civil (maybe even friendly with time) not only for our Chickie but also because we don't want it to be ugly. We've experienced so much together it would be a shame to hate one another. We messed up, we weren't ready to move in together and have a baby, it put too much strain on all the nice things we did have together.

It's weird saying I'm single after three years, weird thinking that the people I came to be fond of are his friends, weird realizing that the place I had sort of started to consider as home is no longer an option to go to. I haven't cried, I probably won't either, I don't have the energy.

Maybe some time down the line we'll see if there's anything between us, see if we'd like to try a relationship. Of course if we try, we'll take it slowly like we should have in the first place, really not rush things and do it the way we should have the first time around. And if we don't have anything between us in the future that's alright. We have an amazing daughter and even if things haven't worked out well for us, the fact that she's here is the main source of joy in my life. No matter what I'm thankful to have her, she's brought light into my life in a way I never expected, makes every single day worth living.

I don't know if our break up is extremely mature or strange, it still feels a little surreal. I don't know how we can go from talking every day and sharing everything, at one point living together and getting to know each other so intimately to barely talking and being virtual strangers. It feels wrong but at the same time necessary. Like when you sprain your ankle and keep walking on it, do that too long and you've permanently damaged your leg. But if you take care of it, rest and give it time to heal without pressure you can slowly start using it again and sometimes it's stronger than it was before (Sometimes it's also more prone to injury, just not the point I'm trying to make ahaha).

Part of me is in shock, part of me is relieved to be able to heal. Who knows what the future will bring...

I know my Chickie will bring plenty of surprises!