Tip of the day

When your boobs start getting bigger and all, I find that a cotton bra with no under-wire feels the best.

Also, think that in four months you'll go up at least one cup size and one band size. Keep that in mind and ladies; GET FITTED PROFESSIONALLY!!

Progress!!

Second ultrasound on the 26th went well. Baby is good, daddy-to-be says our little jellybean looks like an alien, I think our baby is beautiful.

I also have some fantastic news!
As you all are aware I was having one heck of a time finding an ObGyn, calling from the day I found out I was pregnant and it took six weeks for someone to finally hear me and take what I was saying seriously... Don't give up when you're looking for a doctor, call everywhere, hospitals, clinics, health line, get numbers from friends..... Someone will hear you and take you in. Boy was I starting to think I was never going to find a doctor! And then yesterday (???) I was seriously starting to just give up and my boyfriend's mom said her friend had given her the number for her Ob that I should call because apparently this office never refuses a woman. I was too down to call myself so I asked my boyfriend's mom to. The receptionist asked to talk to me after a bit and the first question she asked after DOB was how many weeks was I. She sounded so surprised when I told her twelve and that I hadn't had a check-up since I found out nor that I got refused at every office I called. But she gave me an appointment for December 4th!!! So glad that I finally have a doctor that I can talk to and ask all my questions and get more than a vague answer!

I am very pleased and I've started to relax and be a little less stressed about everything. I'm hoping that after that first appointment I can really start to just enjoy the fact that I've got a wriggly little one in there and I'm not sick! :)

I'm Hungry

I figure instead of worrying and stressing over the fact that there's no food, why don't I share my favorite recipes with you? And some that I want to try, but just haven't got the guts to dive in and do it yet?

I say why not? Who doesn't like to look at pictures of yummy food that's great for winter? Especially now, when it's really starting to settle in.

To start off, I want to try this really healthy, tasty-sounding lasagna recipe. Instead of the traditional ground beef or pork it uses cubed chicken. A lighter option for winter, perfect to make a break in all these heavy, hearty stews, soups, meat pies and sauces.

Credit for this recipe goes to Karin Calloway, and I got the link to her recipe from another blog (http://iowagirleats.com/) while trying to find a good way to reveal my baby's gender to the family (once we find out). I mean, a card is very normal, a cake with it written on top is too in-your-face for me, I wanted a subtle way to tell everyone. I find her cupcakes to be a really cute idea!

Back to what I was talking about... Creamy Chicken and Spinach Lasagna, I don't think you'll find a better way to eat cheesy chicken and salad together. Karen suggests pairing this lasagna with a salad or rolls, but what about a creamy soup? Carrot, broccoli, pumpkin, squash, whatever you want!

And just as a bonus, not that I haven't given you guys a really yummy cupcake recipe AND a lasagna recipe already; for all of you who love mac and cheese as much as I do try this spicy version.

Go eat!

No Food

It is the last week of the month and there's almost no food in the house. Now usually I'd joke about how I ate it all and how I didn't leave any for anyone, but this time I'm pregnant and hungry and scared that I'm starving my baby. Oh and all I've eaten today is a mug of oatmeal and a smallish serving of beans. Not even beans and a side, just plain white beans, nothing else. And my boyfriend's mother is the one who's constantly reminding me that I'm carrying her first (and only) "grand-baby" and how I need to eat and take care of myself.

Really? She's going to tell me how I should take care of myself. Right. I know (as I find myself constantly repeating) she means well. But I find her lax housekeeping and - possibly - unconscious way of making sure I feel like I'm going to die, starve or be condemned to eating food that tastes like cardboard highly uncomfortable. My dear boyfriend isn't completely understanding why I find this place quite repulsive nor my (to his mind) "obsession" with washing your hands after going to the bathroom or scratching your butt/balls/other. Nor do I believe that he realizes fully that teeth rot if they aren't properly cared for and that bad breath is disgusting, but most people are too polite to point it out.

Clean nails, teeth, body, hair and clothes show self-respect and pride. Dirty nails, teeth, hair and clothes usually portray the opposite. The same goes for the state of your home. If it's clean it shows you have respect for yourself, others and it's inviting. If your home is dirty and doesn't smell very nice, people usually don't want to visit and the smell seeps into your clothes, your hair, everything; and obviously those who live there might not notice it if they're used to it.

Now, I'm not saying my boyfriend does these things, nor that I'm describing him. To be honest I might be guilty of one or two of these.... Probably two or three. I know that, but I make a huge effort to take good care of myself and where I live. What's not easy is living with someone who says they'll help you but don't.

And that's why sometimes I wonder if I should try a little harder to show him why living somewhere clean is so much better. It's not high-class to be clean, it's just what people do when they care. Plus living in a filthy, moldy environment with a baby is awful.

I don't know, but I'll try anything!

Happy Birthday Babe!

Today is my lovely boyfriend's 19th birthday! 

I can't believe it's already here. Seems like just yesterday we were talking online and he was telling me that it was his birthday in a few weeks and that he was turning seventeen!! Wow time does fly! Now we're growing up way before we technically should, but I'm excited for us to have this life together, with our cat in our own place I'm hoping to call home for a lot longer then the last place we lived in together. :P

He's so handsome and strong and honest. He doesn't see himself the way I do which kills me. He says he's fat and ugly and dresses like he doesn't care. But I see someone who has charm (you cannot believe how much stuff he has gotten for free at the store because the female -or male- clerk has been flustered by him standing at their check out), someone who can make people bend to his will, sometimes without having to say a word, or after just a few words. Someone who has so much potential to do big things and go far in life, but he sets tight boundaries on himself and his success because what he wants to do as a career would require him "going out West" for ten month periods at a time, but I want him to follow his dreams and I want him to know I'll follow him to the ends of the Earth if he needs to go. I will. I want him to be happy, I want him to be comfortable in life, I want him to follow his dreams and just go. I'm sure he could if he really wanted to.

Babe, I love you and I want the best for you all the time, I want you to be happy and satisfied and not have to worry about anything like grocery money or rent. I want you to be able to live the life you deserve. Hopefully I'll get to share in it for a very, very long time. 

To many more birthdays and joys to come!

Ridiculous Cravings

If any of you have been pregnant or currently are, you know what I'm talking about. Cravings, those things that wake you up in the middle of the night sometimes or hit right in the middle laundry time. Where you wake up your boyfriend/SO and shake him/her going "Babe, babe! Wake up, I want some [insert personal craving here - mine's McDonald's fries, McFlurry and a Double Big Mac]. Can you run and get some for me?"

Personally I don't eat fast food. I don't like the feel of the extra greasiness or the heavy, over-full feeling after, or the nasty upset stomach it gives me. But since week 8 I've been dying to eat those piping hot, salty fries mixed with the cold sweetness of the ice cream after gorging on a fatty, unhealthy hamburger. I sound like a crazy person. 

Being pregnant is a kind of crazy; I find. The extra production of hormones our bodies don't produce much of normally and that we don't have to deal with, it messes with our sanity on a certain level. From all my research, there isn't a solid explanation for pregnancy cravings, but what if cravings were your body's way of trying to cope with the sudden change in hormone levels with foods that sort of pacified or alleviated the feeling of total hiatus raging inside? Foods we don't necessarily eat on a regular basis, foods we didn't really like.. And that the aversions are just foods our bodies find will worsen or just not help the chemical imbalance? 

***

For anyone who followed my yummy fast food links above, sorry for making you hungry!! :)

Monster-in-Law/ "Real date"

My boyfriend's mom doesn't like me; I'm sure of it. I make supper about two or three times a week and I make enough for four people (and a bit extra for me and my boyfriend, me cause I eat more than usual and for my boyfriend to bring some for work the next day), but say I'm a little hungry and it's not time for supper yet I'll make myself a snack. If she sees that I already have something to eat, she'll make supper for her and her husband and leave nothing for me to eat. Come on! I was feeling a bit peckish, sorry I made two or three toast and some carrot sticks forty minutes before you start making supper. I'm pretty sure five thick hamburgers can feed three people. One for me and two for each of you, I'll fill up on fruit after, that's fine. But this isn't the first time she does this. I've spoken to my boyfriend about it and he says she forgets. I'm freaking pregnant, my stomach is fat, I eat every hour, I'm grumpy one second and super happy the next, I get nauseous, I don't like being around smokers anymore, I'm taking prenatal pills and I have an ultrasound next week. How do you forget??

Know what she did? Came into my room when she got home, saw I had a bit of food on a plate, frowned, went into the kitchen made supper, didn't leave me any and totally ignored me until she went to bed at seven-thirty. Nice.

I know this is going to come off as cold or whatever, but when she comes over to our place and I'm eating, I'm not offering her any. I'm not buying coffee, so she can't drink any. She also won't be allowed to use the kitchen; like just go and open the cupboards and make herself that much at home. She will be a guest, not my future mother-in-law who could be comfortable in my home. She doesn't make me feel welcome because I don't have money and that I ask my boyfriend to get me fruits and vegetables to snack on (I don't really share because I learned my lesson. She'll eat most of it and leave me practically nothing in the span of at least three days from purchase), or juice or something, and he'll tell her that it's for me.

Argh! This woman is driving me mad. I can't wait to be away from her childish selfishness. And pretty much show her that making me feel awful and starving me out is not the way it works.

***

On a happier note, Todd took me out on a real date not too long ago, what three days ago? Oh boyyy I forgot already! When I say a real date, I mean not a "double-date" with his parent's there or with one of his friends and their girlfriends or that stupid thing we did when we didn't like each other. He took me to a restaurant and we had dinner (I had spaghetti; yum!), he paid. Then we went to the movie rental-candy shop and he let me pick the two movies. We walked home in the rain after picking up some chips and dip at the store and cuddled and watched a movie. He was so cute and awkward it kind of felt like a second or third date. He gave me his toasted bread, which I love because he saw I didn't get the customary garlic bread with my pasta. Great touch.

It was the best date ever!

I love you babe ♥

Motherly Feelings

I was talking with my boyfriend Saturday and he said he had noticed that I do have very protective - motherly - feelings for our kitten. He says he understands that when he bought her for me I was still sure that I couldn't conceive so the feelings that a woman would have for her (human) child, I transformed and made it a little bit more "appropriate" for our pet. On top of all that, when we did get her and bring her home she was four weeks old and absolutely petrified of the car, so much so that we had to pull over so I could hold her out the door and let her throw up. Obviously I don't dress her up or put her in a high chair or anything like that. I'm just overly concerned for her well-being and happiness, almost as a mother would for her baby. I like to watch her sleep, especially when she sleeps with her paws up near her face in that "I'm cute; love me and rub my belly" kind of position.

I guess what he's a little worried about [maybe] is that the cat will get jealous when the baby arrives and I turn most of my attention to the new arrival instead of her. I guess I should start trying to wean Diabel of all the attention she's getting, but I think it'll be easier after my next ultrasound and the move, where I'll have a much better idea of what to prepare for and that baby room'll start to be transformed. Oh! Which the cat, by the way, shall not be allowed in until it's done. For two reasons really; one - that I don't want her getting into what we already have given to us and what we're going to get, and two - for the first while our little one is going to be sleeping in our room and as much as I'm going to be getting up during the night I want her to accept and be over the fact that when the baby goes to sleep in his or her own room she still won't allowed in there. I'm just not comfortable having my spastic cat around a small child just during the first year or two. Probably two.

What else? Diabel's six months old now! And she's almost twice the size she was when we got her. She's filled out great I think and as my boyfriend discovered her stomach isn't as developed as he thought. Poor thing! He ran to the store in a pinch and they didn't have any kitten food so he bought "Cat food for all cats" and it went right through our kitten's system and she finished the bag in three days when it should have lasted a week. But since it was too hard on her stomach to digest, she didn't absorb much nutrients and she didn't stay full for very long. It sucked, but a few days ago we got her two bags of her "favorite" kitten food.

Yeah, I sound like a crazy person, I'm blaming it on these hormones making me over-emotional.

Anxiety....

So the hospital called me yesterday morning....  Was it yesterday? I don't know.. Yesterday was Monday, right? Yeah, it was. Did they call me on Monday? I don't remember. Yikes!
Sadly, I'm like this all the time. It's very tiring and frustrating. Anyways, whenever the hospital called, they scheduled another dating ultrasound for me on the 26th and I'm freaking out. I've heard of missed-miscarriages and how devastating they are. Miscarriages do run in my family and they're usually seemingly for no reason at all. But one thing does give me a bit of hope; if I haven't had any of the symptoms my female family has had, I'm most probably in the clear. No sharp lower abdomen pain, no headaches, no high fever, no migraines, no heavy bleeding, nothing. But I'm still really scared that something went wrong.

I'm really, really glad that my boyfriend can make it on the 26th. I know he's aware that I'm anxious for this one because of my family's history, but he doesn't actually know to what extent I'm paralyzed with fear. This is such a magical thing that has happened because I thought I couldn't have a baby the natural way. I had pretty much resigned myself to either surrogacy or adoption way later in life, like in my thirties; only if my career allowed for it though. The career I've chosen is really demanding and doesn't really leave much room or time for children unless I'm firmly established in the company or firm that hires me. Now I have to review and adjust the majority of my goals and my career path, which I'd love to pursue, just differently..
The reason why this ultrasound is so important and scary for me is because I know that I'm so worked up about it that I won't be able to look at the screen until he tells me that it's okay to look. I don't want to look before he says it's safe to because I'm terrified of being disappointed and crushed. So much so that I have nightmares about it and I can't sleep at night anymore.

I'll be so glad when this major anxiety goes away and I can just enjoy being pregnant.

Birch Beer

I realized that keeping this blog is even more useful than I thought. With the hormones and stress I forget everything - or almost - and I figure why not write at least every two days so that I can remember everything. Just to give an idea, I reread what I wrote yesterday and I didn't have anything more then a vague memory, like it had happened three days ago.

Days go by so slowly but then the next thing I know it's Sunday this week and I'm sure yesterday was Tuesday or Thursday last week. It's crazy!

On another note, I'm nervous for the hospital to call and my upcoming ultrasound. From the results of that I can finally know whether to go forward a bit more confidently and really start collecting and storing for my baby or to give it all away and buy a dish-washer and stuff to make PornStars and poison my liver and drown my sorrow in alcohol. *I'm only sort of kidding*

Oh my oh my~ If my boyfriend sees this he's going to 1) try to make sure I'm stable or 2) tell me everything is fine and is going to be okay. And then I'm going to try and believe him but in the end I most probably won't really, I'll just hang onto that and the doubtful part of me will try to gobble up that little spark of hope and extinguish it. ARGH~!! I hate that part of me that thinks I don't deserve anything good or happy. It's this constant battle of yes-no-yes-no, happy-sad and I'm so tired of it. I just want to know if it's alive and okay; is that too much to ask? I mean no one is taking me seriously! Every doctor's office I call ask all the standard questions: how far along am I, do I have health insurance, all that. This whole time they sound open, then they ask my age and the second I tell them I'm under 20 they shut down and tell me that they aren't taking any new patients. And I know that they are because I got their numbers from the hospital and they always check up on the numbers they give out to be sure that the office's doctors are taking new patients. It's really frustrating and I wish it would stop. I'm seriously pregnant and I really do need a doctor. I wouldn't make this up at all.

A Not-so-little Ray of Sunshine

Yesterday my boyfriend and I went to look at an apartment closer to his work (and so we could, you know, not live with his parents anymore) and we signed a credit check paper and the lease; which was only effective from the time the credit check passed, tonight I get a call from the landlord saying the credit check passed and we can go forward and start getting everything ready for us to move in New Year's Day!!!

Now I know that's a weird day to move but all we really have to move is our clothes, bedding and tv. I have no idea what we're gong to do about the couches, but right now I don't really care! In forty-seven days we're in our own place! Oh my gosh this is so great. Plus there's two really big bedrooms and I have the green light from my boyfriend to turn the smaller one into a nursery bit by bit. And still that nagging, scared part of me is like "What if you won't need a nursery?"

Phhhhhh~! I'm just totally stoked that we're going to live somewhere decent and that has buses! I'm forever going to be a "city-girl", not comfortable away from the noise and bustle of a place like Montreal.

I'm really happy that we'll finally have a place to our own for the next year and a bit, I just need to find a way to help my wolf-lover with bills and such. Maybe I could find a part-time job nearby or something. Worst case I'll actually apply for last-resort financial assistance, I'm not going to be able to work long, I can already barely stand for fifteen minutes already! Well, we'll figure it out like we always do, just this time we'll maybe have to scrape by for a bit. Which I know and I'm okay with that. We're starting out young with nothing really of our own and on top of that we're expecting a child. It's going to be tough for quite awhile. We'll pull through. I'm sure of it.

"My Way"

So we did it my way last night. I mean the whole time, not start my way and then halfway switch to his way. I was in complete control. To be honest, I did it because my nether region needs a break from his ah~ passion? And because I was 100% sure he'd never done it slowly before. Boy was I right; I thought he was going to pass out from anticipation. It was great seeing him like that. If I'm telling the whole truth though, I could have gone for a bit of a rougher round after! But I was relieved that he liked it a lot.

I guess what I wanted to do was show him that a little self-control goes a long way and not only in bed, but in all aspects of life. He's been having a bit of a hard time with keeping his very explosive temper under control. I know he's been feeling unreasonably jealous about me talking to people, especially other guys. I know for some people that's a huge red flag, but you have to take into consideration both our pasts and how the people we were with before smashed our trust to pieces without a care. So, we both have our problems and things we have issues with, but we do our best to support each other and show that we can trust one another. Anyways, what I wanted to say was that he did cross the line a bit night before last by checking my Facebook conversation because he figured he knew who I'd gotten a certain opinion from and he wanted to know what I said. Now I have a history of agreeing with people I want to get an honest opinion out of, and I do say things I don't mean at all (which is awful, I know). So far in this relationship I've been 100% honest all of the time. This is one relationship I don't want to mess up and I'll do everything I can to make it work. And that means we need to trust each other. He used to trust me with out question and suddenly he doesn't. He doesn't know why, he's told me that he knows that he doesn't have any logical reason to but he's just suspicious of everyone and he thinks everyone is lying to him and hiding things from him and it makes him angry and confused. He's just so frustrated and he explodes at every little thing. Personally I think the reality of us having a child and the sacrifices and responsibility that comes with having a child is starting to set in and it's freaking him out.

I mean seriously, we're not old enough or experienced enough to have a child right now. I know that. i'm not going to be the teenage mom going "Yeah, I can totally do this. I'm prepared." I'm not. I can't do this on my own, no way. I'm seriously going to rely on my family as much as possible and already those who know are saying that they'll help me out as much as they can. Give me their kids old clothes and toys that they can spare (i.e.: those that are not too worn out!) and a stroller, things like that. I know that this is my best bet at not completely messing up and resenting my child. When it really wouldn't be their fault. They had no say in being made. So, I think as long as I remember that and keep it at the front of my mind when I'm down or frustrated, I'll be able to appreciate my baby more and not take out my frustrations by making it feel unwanted.

Understandably, this child wasn't planned and came as a complete surprise a few years too early, but I want my child to know that it's wanted and loved. I know too that at some point he (or she) is going to figure out that his/her mom and dad are a few years younger than their friend's parents. And then my boyfriend and I are going to have to figure out what to tell them and if they don't ask, I don't think it'd be a good idea to bing it up.

Though I think we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

**NOTE**

As you guys may have noticed I had to put a warning because my blog has "mature content" which probably has stopped a lot of you from reading it. ((Or at least I think)) And since I don't know, I'm just going to change it back and hopefully then everyone'll be able to access and read again! :)

Strange Feeling

I should be about ten weeks right now, and most women have all these symptoms and stuff. Well, for some reason I don't feel pregnant. I mean, I've felt like this for about a week but I've been ignoring it and today it really hit me. I don't feel pregnant. Like no more bloating, no more feeling tired, no urges to eat a lot, nothing. I feel normal, like before I got pregnant. And I'm worried.

I Googled a bit, all I've found is that it's either everything is perfectly fine and my baby is fine. Or I had a missed miscarriage. You know, were the fetus stops growing and well.. Dies, and my body didn't expel it. Since I still haven't found a prenatal doctor, I have to call the health line (811 in Quebec) and ask what's going on and then I have to go to a CLSC and get checked out. Part that sucks is I'd have to do it early if I want my boyfriend to come and support me. He works nights... :/

I have no ideas

I don't know what to write about anymore. I mean really. All I have to talk about is sex, pregnancy and school. I have no life outside of that.

Anyways:
Today was my "wolf"'s first actual day of work.
Friday - Going over to my uncle's for supper Saturday (I live so far it's easier if I go over the night before)
Monday I'm applying for social assistance - Finally!
November 21st - Boyfriend's 19th b-day.. What to do?
December - Buying gifts for family, yay.
December 25th - Christmas. At home? At Gramma's?
Between December 26th and January 14th - Me and my lone wolf are moved out...
January 14th, 2014 - Two years that we're together, totally doing something special ^.^
February 14th, 2014 - Valentine's Day, it's a Friday, special supper if I'm feeling up to it :3
May 18th, 2014 - My 19th b-day and less then one month to my due date!!
June 6th, 2014 - (or around) Baby is born!!!!!

Phhhhh~ Yeah, that's about all I got. Blended all in there on Tuesday and Thursday nights I have class.

***

You know, I'm lucky thus far. I'm going to tell you about how me and my boyfriend/fiancé/wolf-lover met.

So, one day I was bored and I was on myyearbook.com as it was called at the time (aka. meetme.ca now) and I went on "Secret Admirers" and with my bestfriend, +Chanelle, we went through which guys I should "admire". As a joke she picked this guy whose dp was so try-hard and young that I just clicked it for fun. Didn't think anything of it. We started talking, but it was just a game. I didn't like him, he was a total prick, I mean he thought he could get any girl, play her and then move on. I gave him a run for his money, I could play that game just as well as he could.
As a joke I added him on skype, we talked there for ages... I added him on Facebook, we kept talking and then one day Chanelle told me to give him my number. 99% of me told me to give him a made up number or one of the numbers I'd gotten from another guy. But for some weird reason I gave him my actual number. Didn't expect him to call. He did. And he kept calling, I called him too. Oh and somewhere in all this I asked him out as a joke. He said yes, and we've been together ever since.
But, only after six months or so of being "together" did we actually start liking each other and being exclusive. Hell our first "date" was a joke! I got a free movie and got to stay out late, and the arcade was paid for!!
Now look at us, living together, engaged and expecting a child. We both never thought anything long-term was going to come out of two strangers playing each other on the Internet.

To be honest, I can't imagine life without him. I don't believe in soul-mates or true love, but he does complete me in a way that none of the other guys could. I could be alone all day, but knowing that I could send him a message makes me feel like I'm not lonely. I haven't felt like this in a really long time, and then it wasn't this complete.

***

Well.... That was sappy for me.