I realized that keeping this blog is even more useful than I thought. With the hormones and stress I forget everything - or almost - and I figure why not write at least every two days so that I can remember everything. Just to give an idea, I reread what I wrote yesterday and I didn't have anything more then a vague memory, like it had happened three days ago.
Days go by so slowly but then the next thing I know it's Sunday this week and I'm sure yesterday was Tuesday or Thursday last week. It's crazy!
On another note, I'm nervous for the hospital to call and my upcoming ultrasound. From the results of that I can finally know whether to go forward a bit more confidently and really start collecting and storing for my baby or to give it all away and buy a dish-washer and stuff to make PornStars and poison my liver and drown my sorrow in alcohol. *I'm only sort of kidding*
Oh my oh my~ If my boyfriend sees this he's going to 1) try to make sure I'm stable or 2) tell me everything is fine and is going to be okay. And then I'm going to try and believe him but in the end I most probably won't really, I'll just hang onto that and the doubtful part of me will try to gobble up that little spark of hope and extinguish it. ARGH~!! I hate that part of me that thinks I don't deserve anything good or happy. It's this constant battle of yes-no-yes-no, happy-sad and I'm so tired of it. I just want to know if it's alive and okay; is that too much to ask? I mean no one is taking me seriously! Every doctor's office I call ask all the standard questions: how far along am I, do I have health insurance, all that. This whole time they sound open, then they ask my age and the second I tell them I'm under 20 they shut down and tell me that they aren't taking any new patients. And I know that they are because I got their numbers from the hospital and they always check up on the numbers they give out to be sure that the office's doctors are taking new patients. It's really frustrating and I wish it would stop. I'm seriously pregnant and I really do need a doctor. I wouldn't make this up at all.
Days go by so slowly but then the next thing I know it's Sunday this week and I'm sure yesterday was Tuesday or Thursday last week. It's crazy!
On another note, I'm nervous for the hospital to call and my upcoming ultrasound. From the results of that I can finally know whether to go forward a bit more confidently and really start collecting and storing for my baby or to give it all away and buy a dish-washer and stuff to make PornStars and poison my liver and drown my sorrow in alcohol. *I'm only sort of kidding*
Oh my oh my~ If my boyfriend sees this he's going to 1) try to make sure I'm stable or 2) tell me everything is fine and is going to be okay. And then I'm going to try and believe him but in the end I most probably won't really, I'll just hang onto that and the doubtful part of me will try to gobble up that little spark of hope and extinguish it. ARGH~!! I hate that part of me that thinks I don't deserve anything good or happy. It's this constant battle of yes-no-yes-no, happy-sad and I'm so tired of it. I just want to know if it's alive and okay; is that too much to ask? I mean no one is taking me seriously! Every doctor's office I call ask all the standard questions: how far along am I, do I have health insurance, all that. This whole time they sound open, then they ask my age and the second I tell them I'm under 20 they shut down and tell me that they aren't taking any new patients. And I know that they are because I got their numbers from the hospital and they always check up on the numbers they give out to be sure that the office's doctors are taking new patients. It's really frustrating and I wish it would stop. I'm seriously pregnant and I really do need a doctor. I wouldn't make this up at all.
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