Feelings. Strange things they are. They make you hate, love, feel jealous, worried, anxious, the full range.
How do I feel? Abandoned, unwanted, unattractive. I know it's just a small thing and that it really shouldn't matter but it really bothers me. There's a piece of this that I'm missing and I want to know what it is that I'm not seeing.
All I want is for us to take a shower together. One shower. Twenty minutes. That's all. Since I've started showing more we haven't taken a shower together. At least a month. We used to shower together at least once a month and now it's just excuses or "I don't really feel like it today" or just flat out no. Why? Is my pregnant stomach that unattractive? Is the fact that I'm no longer the flat stomached, emotionally stable, attractive girl you brought home a problem? I know this isn't what you signed up for. I'd told you I couldn't get pregnant and you were so over the moon that you didn't have to be careful that you weren't. And now I'm pregnant and moody and my stomach is six times the size it was before, I want to have sex all the time, I need so much more attention than before, I'm needy and pathetic.
I went from being that thin, happy, unable to get pregnant, teenage guy's dream girl (in that way) to a pregnant, bloated, grumpy, homesick girl.
What can I say?
And all of this out because he won't take a shower with me. I mean I don't feel attractive. I feel fat; my feet are swelling, my ankles are swelling, I can't pass a bowel movement (tmi I know), I can't sleep, my clothes don't fit and I can't afford to buy new ones. My doctor told me I couldn't have kids because of this cyst on my left ovary, that if I did somehow manage to get pregnant the cyst would burst and I'd miscarry. Well he was right about one thing, the cyst did burst and it hurt a lot. But I'm still here. Not exactly what I signed up for. Do I regret it? Not really. Maybe I wish it was a few years from now, or that I was closer to home but I do feel something strong for my baby. And that trumps everything. Every event that happens in life happens for a reason and maybe I don't know what the reason behind this is but I'm coming to terms with it.
There was never any doubt in my mind that I was going to keep this baby. No questions. Nothing. This is our child and I am going to love this baby and make them feel wanted. Because they are. And they always will be.
How do I feel? Abandoned, unwanted, unattractive. I know it's just a small thing and that it really shouldn't matter but it really bothers me. There's a piece of this that I'm missing and I want to know what it is that I'm not seeing.
All I want is for us to take a shower together. One shower. Twenty minutes. That's all. Since I've started showing more we haven't taken a shower together. At least a month. We used to shower together at least once a month and now it's just excuses or "I don't really feel like it today" or just flat out no. Why? Is my pregnant stomach that unattractive? Is the fact that I'm no longer the flat stomached, emotionally stable, attractive girl you brought home a problem? I know this isn't what you signed up for. I'd told you I couldn't get pregnant and you were so over the moon that you didn't have to be careful that you weren't. And now I'm pregnant and moody and my stomach is six times the size it was before, I want to have sex all the time, I need so much more attention than before, I'm needy and pathetic.
I went from being that thin, happy, unable to get pregnant, teenage guy's dream girl (in that way) to a pregnant, bloated, grumpy, homesick girl.
What can I say?
And all of this out because he won't take a shower with me. I mean I don't feel attractive. I feel fat; my feet are swelling, my ankles are swelling, I can't pass a bowel movement (tmi I know), I can't sleep, my clothes don't fit and I can't afford to buy new ones. My doctor told me I couldn't have kids because of this cyst on my left ovary, that if I did somehow manage to get pregnant the cyst would burst and I'd miscarry. Well he was right about one thing, the cyst did burst and it hurt a lot. But I'm still here. Not exactly what I signed up for. Do I regret it? Not really. Maybe I wish it was a few years from now, or that I was closer to home but I do feel something strong for my baby. And that trumps everything. Every event that happens in life happens for a reason and maybe I don't know what the reason behind this is but I'm coming to terms with it.
There was never any doubt in my mind that I was going to keep this baby. No questions. Nothing. This is our child and I am going to love this baby and make them feel wanted. Because they are. And they always will be.
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