The Eyes, They Really Are Windows

First, I'd like to apologize for what I'm going to do because my boyfriend isn't really comfortable with me writing about our private life online for people to read, but I've never used his name so if you don't know who I am then you don't know who he is. But I want to say I'm sorry before continue. This is pretty much a letter to him.

*

To the eight year old you,

You might not have that 100% innocent look most third-graders have, but you still look pretty happy. Uncomfortable with having your picture taken, but still happy. I don't know what's going on in your life at this point, but nothing majorly bad has happened yet.

Don't tell me it's because you're good at hiding your feelings. An eight-year old might be able to partially conceal some less profound emotions, but not the ones that come from emotional I don't know, pain?

You are adorable and I still think your unbroken nose is cute!

*

To the fifteen year old you,

You really hate pictures don't you?

Plus your nose is broken!!

But you look so sad. I mean like you had real life smack you in the face so much harder than it should have. There is zero joy in your face, no hope, nothing positive. Were you having a bad day or something? It looks more than that. It's so much more, such a deep pain like someone broke your heart. It hurts me. What happened between age eight and fifteen that just killed your positivity?

*

To you now,

You still have that look on your face, in the way you carry yourself and how you care for yourself. You still have no hope. Why? Your life is so much better; you have a job, a really nice apartment that we're moving into New Year's Day, a girlfriend who absolutely adores you, and a baby on the way. Your life is good.

Now I know that maybe you aren't ready to share all of your skeletons with me and that's okay, I'm not asking you to share with me. I just wish I could understand, maybe I'd stop touching that nerve that I keep hitting that I never know what I'm going to say that is going to set you off. No you don't yell at me or make me feel like I'm doing it on purpose but you do this kind of silent treatment/cold shoulder thing and it hurts. I just wish you'd stop being so sad and negative all the time. And the other thing I have to tell you is if you don't like your physique or your weight, do something about it. I love you for you, but if you aren't happy with the outside of you don't settle! Don't just tell yourself "If this is what I look like there's nothing I can do to change it even if I don't like it." You can. And I think if you made the effort you'd be a little less down. Stop beating yourself up over your lost football career, get back on the horse, get back into whatever shape you wish you had or that you lost, I'll support you. You know I will. I want you to be happy with yourself, inside and out. Can you tell me how to help you if you want help? Please?

I love you ♥

Emotions

Feelings. Strange things they are. They make you hate, love, feel jealous, worried, anxious, the full range.

How do I feel? Abandoned, unwanted, unattractive. I know it's just a small thing and that it really shouldn't matter but it really bothers me. There's a piece of this that I'm missing and I want to know what it is that I'm not seeing.

All I want is for us to take a shower together. One shower. Twenty minutes. That's all. Since I've started showing more we haven't taken a shower together. At least a month. We used to shower together at least once a month and now it's just excuses or "I don't really feel like it today" or just flat out no. Why? Is my pregnant stomach that unattractive? Is the fact that I'm no longer the flat stomached, emotionally stable, attractive girl you brought home a problem? I know this isn't what you signed up for. I'd told you I couldn't get pregnant and you were so over the moon that you didn't have to be careful that you weren't. And now I'm pregnant and moody and my stomach is six times the size it was before, I want to have sex all the time, I need so much more attention than before, I'm needy and pathetic.

I went from being that thin, happy, unable to get pregnant, teenage guy's dream girl (in that way) to a pregnant, bloated, grumpy, homesick girl.

What can I say?

And all of this out because he won't take a shower with me. I mean I don't feel attractive. I feel fat; my feet are swelling, my ankles are swelling, I can't pass a bowel movement (tmi I know), I can't sleep, my clothes don't fit and I can't afford to buy new ones. My doctor told me I couldn't have kids because of this cyst on my left ovary, that if I did somehow manage to get pregnant the cyst would burst and I'd miscarry. Well he was right about one thing, the cyst did burst and it hurt a lot. But I'm still here. Not exactly what I signed up for. Do I regret it? Not really. Maybe I wish it was a few years from now, or that I was closer to home but I do feel something strong for my baby. And that trumps everything. Every event that happens in life happens for a reason and maybe I don't know what the reason behind this is but I'm coming to terms with it.

There was never any doubt in my mind that I was going to keep this baby. No questions. Nothing. This is our child and I am going to love this baby and make them feel wanted. Because they are. And they always will be.

Long Overdue Pregnancy Update!

I've said I don't know how many times that I'd put up a recent picture of myself and of my already over-large belly and haven't. Well for those who have been waiting, here it is!

Fourteen weeks and five days already! Truth is, I'm starting to accept this and making it real. It'll be easier when we have out own place and I dedicate a cupboard to a collection of baby bottles (emergencies only!), bowls and cups we're going to need.

Surprisingly though, this move just hiccuped.  We can't move in on a weekend, we have to move on a week day. The current tenants aren't moving out when they said they would; they're moving on the 30th of December instead of on the 20th. Which means we get to move in on a Tuesday morning right before my boyfriend goes to work. Now I feel rushed and cramped and I really don't like it. Plus the family who live there right now told the landlord that they were moving out on the 20th and haven't notified him of the change when he asked to be kept up to date. Obviously having him in the know would make it smoother for the transfer of the keys and our giving him the cheques. Right?

Apparently the world never works like that. My life has not been easy and I still keep my head held high as possible and try to power through the worst of it. Sometimes little things do break me down, but when major obstacles appear (like a move or an unexpected pregnancy) I do tend to really struggle. I always try to stay positive; everything happens for a reason.

Smallest male boxers?

Petit Q Underwear is a line of male lingerie?
I don't know... I thought it was pretty interesting!!

Take a look!

Seriously, just check it out!! :D

http://vimeo.com/81445390

Moving day!!

Finally my boyfriend settled on a date for us to move to our new place. The fourth day after Christmas is our moving day! It would have been the 28th but my mom wanted us to go visit them on that Saturday, so we're putting off moving until Sunday. Which is super nice of him to change the date because I haven't seen my family in almost a month. Or so it feels.

Right now I should be starting the grocery list for shopping Friday, but I really don't feel like starting it now. My dear boyfriend is going to help me finish the list when he gets home from work tonight around ten or eleven.

The whole point of my doing the groceries this rest of the month is to show his parents that shopping in the States is not any cheaper than it is here; it's all about smart shopping. Check what's on sale every week and buy most of your groceries from what's on sale. I like to check the store's website if it has one, (most do now), and if they pass out flyers in the area, check in there too. Sometimes the flyers have options the websites don't; like coupons or two-for-one or buy one get one free (cool part is that once in awhile the free item is on your list!). Also our IGA's have a seemingly year-round offer: buy over 75$ (I think) of groceries and get a certain item free with your purchase. Often it's juice or Kleenex or paper towels. I remember once for two weeks or a month they were offering free sandwich-type containers with a purchase of 75$ or more!!

Check and compare prices between supermarkets and look for the best deal for the quality you want. Obviously spending seven dollars on a head of lettuce that's wilted at the top appeals to no one. Watch for the one dollar, two dollar, three dollar sales if your grocery store has that. Sometimes Maxi's has the 1$, 2$, 3$, 4$ sales and I bought fifteen limes for four dollars, instead of three limes for five dollars.

An example from this week's shopping (because yes, talking about sales and saving really got me in the right mindset to go look online):

Whole Milk (3.25%):

IGA: 6.99$/4L
Metro: not on sale, full price not found on site
Giant Tiger: also not found on site

Because two of the grocery stores I chose don't have the prices on their sites, I can also check in their flyers or call the store to find out.

Joy of Joys!

Wednesday my boyfriend and I went to my first doctor's appointment and I had my first regular check-up. Everything is fine, my uterus is up behind my belly-button which is actually kind of high for twelve weeks; but my boyfriend is a pretty big guy so we would not make a tiny baby!

I think the coolest part of the whole appointment was when my doctor took out the Doppler and said that given the size of my uterus and that I'm twelve and a half weeks the baby should be big enough for us to hear the heartbeat. She was right and it was the most beautiful sound I've ever heard in my life. I don't know what to compare it to, all I know was that made it so much more real to me than the ultrasounds. I almost cried right there in the office. I'm really getting excited now and I begged my boyfriend Thursday for us to go get one outfit; like the one that our baby's going to come home in. I was thinking a cute yellow or something. I just want one to fold and have there so I can just continue to be excited and really start getting ready. I should probably go check prices and sizes and stuff...

***

All the rest of this week (so until Monday), my boyfriend made me promise to dedicate it to us two. So no baby talk, no mentions of moving, no stressing. Is it easy? Gods no! I guess it's easier for him because he likes to avoid things that stress him out until the last minute and for big things like moving or a baby I like to be prepared and start way ahead of time. But I promised and I'm really trying my hardest to respect him.

I mean I understand why he said that. We need to work on our relationship quite a bit. Almost all we do now is argue because we're both very stressed out. Thank goodness we never stay mad at each other long. I can't stay mad at him long and he can stay mad at me for a bit longer, but we're never mad at each other for more than two hours or so and we always make up the same day. I don't go to sleep mad, I hate it.

I wouldn't trade any of this for the world. Not the arguing, not the stress, nothing. Maybe minimize it but, in a way that's proof that we feel something so strong for one another and our mutual well-being. ♥ 

Bagels

Suddenly been dying for a bagel with cream cheese. A nice toasted, 12-grain bagel with Philly cream cheese on top. I can taste it.
Like a Pom bagel, not one for Tim's (even though the picture is from Tim's).

I'm also getting sick, yesterday I slept from 4.30am (I had homework to finish) and woke up at 4.30 pm and felt like crap the whole rest of my "day" (until about midnight). Today I actually woke up with my boyfriend at about eight am and I haven't eaten yet, even though I should. But my stomach's just in upheaval and I'm not sure anything's going to sit right. I'll go make something light and take my pill and hopefully I'll feel better.

I wish I could make sandwiches like my dad can. He bakes them in the oven, a really tasty twist on regular grilled cheese sandwiches. He piles them with ham and turkey and bacon and cheese, stick them in the oven until they're golden and then eats them hot. They're really good. When I try to make them, they either stick to the pan or burn to a crisp and I don't know why.
Damn I'm hungry and homesick.

Plus I'm pretty sure I know why I have no motivation to do anything. I think I'm falling into a depression from homesickness and just the condition of where I'm living. I'm really hoping it'll get better. If I could see them more maybe I'd feel better. I just wish I could stop being so jealous of my boyfriend; he gets to see his parents every day whether he wants to or not. He get to eat his mom's food, sleep in his room, with all his stuff and he has his friends that he could see if he wanted to. But mostly he get to see his parents day in and day out. And sometimes I hate it.
If I want to go visit my family, I have to plan it a month ahead of time sometimes and then listen to arguments about gas money and time. Then I have to figure out where I'm going to stay and for how long. Then I have to pack my backpack with what I'm going to need if I'm going for more then one day. It's a huge hassle and most of the time I don't even feel like going because of all the money issues. It might have sucked seeing each other once every two months, but at least then I didn't have to listen to complaints about where's the money going to come from.
It's my family. If it's too much of a problem to understand that I miss them more then anything and I want to see them every day and if I could, I would. But I barely ever ask to go because I know what's going to happen and it makes me feel awful.