Nothing like a healthy dose of "homesickness" and "remorse" to make this mama feel good.
I want to do the impossible, not in a "climb-mountains-save the homeless-make-the-world-a-better-place" impossible, more of an "I-want-to-go-home" impossible.
Plus now things have started to go south with my ex. Which is making me want to give up. Just the mother bear part of me is telling me I have to do what I see is best for our daughter. Not because I want to hurt him or make him suffer, I don't. Two years of love, a solid year of attraction, ten months of living together, and having a child together.. All those feelings aren't going to disappear overnight, I'm not going to decide I want to hurt him because that would make things nasty and hard on our daughter. And he hasn't done anything to make me want to hurt him.
ARGH!!
Just ugh. Why is this happening?
If I listened to the stupid, scared part of me I would be a mess on the floor, crying and being pathetic, wanting him to let me come home, begging. But the strong, mother inside of me is telling me to do the right thing for our child. Finish school, get a job, change cities, start over somewhere without all the memories, be a good role model for the baby.
We aren't getting back together, I'm not a moron. He hates me and blames me for not seeing his daughter. He's not seeing that if I stayed, this would have been worse for the child. It's better this way. Just because he doesn't see what's going on behind the scenes, he doesn't see what my best friend sees, he only sees what I let him see. Which of course is difficult for me, all I want to do is talk to the gentle, reasonable, kind person I knew. The person who is gone, whom I'll never see again.
I want to do the impossible, not in a "climb-mountains-save the homeless-make-the-world-a-better-place" impossible, more of an "I-want-to-go-home" impossible.
Plus now things have started to go south with my ex. Which is making me want to give up. Just the mother bear part of me is telling me I have to do what I see is best for our daughter. Not because I want to hurt him or make him suffer, I don't. Two years of love, a solid year of attraction, ten months of living together, and having a child together.. All those feelings aren't going to disappear overnight, I'm not going to decide I want to hurt him because that would make things nasty and hard on our daughter. And he hasn't done anything to make me want to hurt him.
ARGH!!
Just ugh. Why is this happening?
If I listened to the stupid, scared part of me I would be a mess on the floor, crying and being pathetic, wanting him to let me come home, begging. But the strong, mother inside of me is telling me to do the right thing for our child. Finish school, get a job, change cities, start over somewhere without all the memories, be a good role model for the baby.
We aren't getting back together, I'm not a moron. He hates me and blames me for not seeing his daughter. He's not seeing that if I stayed, this would have been worse for the child. It's better this way. Just because he doesn't see what's going on behind the scenes, he doesn't see what my best friend sees, he only sees what I let him see. Which of course is difficult for me, all I want to do is talk to the gentle, reasonable, kind person I knew. The person who is gone, whom I'll never see again.
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