Looking back over the past three years, I can see that we got lost.Very, very lost.
I don't think he was in love with me for a while at the end of it. I know that when the baby was born and he promised to stay and then promised to come back because he had to leave, and didn't.... that's when I figured it was a matter of time before it was over. I was heart-broken, I had just given birth to our child and he had more "important" things to do. More important than celebrating the birth of his daughter. That was crushing. By the time she was two months old I had started to believe that no matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried, I had lost him. I just couldn't admit that we had failed.
How could we have gone from heading in the same direction to taking two separate paths? We were happy. He made me feel comfortable, like I could be myself, tell him all about my dark past, my regrets, my mistakes. He didn't judge me, didn't call me dirty, he was understanding and kind.
I get surprised look when I tell people who ask that I'm not angry it's over. I'm not relieved either. It's a mix of hurt, lost, relief, pain. I don't know what to do, I have a baby who screams for her father daily and I don't know what to tell her. She doesn't understand why she can no longer do what she's become used to. Phone calls and Skype messaging stop just like that. It's not me who's suffering, she is. She wants to see her father but for whatever reason he always has something "important" to do. I'm not saying this bitterly or angrily. I don't see what could be more important than your child. Sure if you work five days a week I'll be understanding if all you can do is leave a quick message for her, but weekends take just ten minutes to video chat, build a relationship with her. It is possible even if you aren't seeing her in person. How else could her sadness be explained? She knows who her daddy is and it's affecting her that she can't see him. I can't force him to, but I need to know what to tell her.
You know. I have no idea why I fell in love with him. I was so surprised that this awkward, cursing, boy could have affected me like that. Really. I think the part that made me laugh the most was his constant "I'm not romantic" line he'd throw out right before he'd do something completely romantic and adorable.
I'm not going to say that I want us to get back together for the baby's sake. I'm not going to say it for me. I am going to say that I want us to be happy. I want to look back on this and learn from what we did wrong. Whether I'm with him or not, I am going to do things differently. Speak up and face things head on, avoiding or not speaking about a problem doesn't make it go away or get better.
Of course, my idea of a perfect family is a little different now. I really don't know what I'm going to do. I feel like I'm thinking in circles, useless... Things fell apart because we stopped communicating properly. Good communicating includes listening. And we stopped doing that.
If I'm being honest, I miss the relatively sleepy life of a small town, the fairs and things like that. I miss it all but I was there for the wrong reasons, no matter how much I tried to fix it.
I don't think he was in love with me for a while at the end of it. I know that when the baby was born and he promised to stay and then promised to come back because he had to leave, and didn't.... that's when I figured it was a matter of time before it was over. I was heart-broken, I had just given birth to our child and he had more "important" things to do. More important than celebrating the birth of his daughter. That was crushing. By the time she was two months old I had started to believe that no matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried, I had lost him. I just couldn't admit that we had failed.
How could we have gone from heading in the same direction to taking two separate paths? We were happy. He made me feel comfortable, like I could be myself, tell him all about my dark past, my regrets, my mistakes. He didn't judge me, didn't call me dirty, he was understanding and kind.
I get surprised look when I tell people who ask that I'm not angry it's over. I'm not relieved either. It's a mix of hurt, lost, relief, pain. I don't know what to do, I have a baby who screams for her father daily and I don't know what to tell her. She doesn't understand why she can no longer do what she's become used to. Phone calls and Skype messaging stop just like that. It's not me who's suffering, she is. She wants to see her father but for whatever reason he always has something "important" to do. I'm not saying this bitterly or angrily. I don't see what could be more important than your child. Sure if you work five days a week I'll be understanding if all you can do is leave a quick message for her, but weekends take just ten minutes to video chat, build a relationship with her. It is possible even if you aren't seeing her in person. How else could her sadness be explained? She knows who her daddy is and it's affecting her that she can't see him. I can't force him to, but I need to know what to tell her.
You know. I have no idea why I fell in love with him. I was so surprised that this awkward, cursing, boy could have affected me like that. Really. I think the part that made me laugh the most was his constant "I'm not romantic" line he'd throw out right before he'd do something completely romantic and adorable.
I'm not going to say that I want us to get back together for the baby's sake. I'm not going to say it for me. I am going to say that I want us to be happy. I want to look back on this and learn from what we did wrong. Whether I'm with him or not, I am going to do things differently. Speak up and face things head on, avoiding or not speaking about a problem doesn't make it go away or get better.
Of course, my idea of a perfect family is a little different now. I really don't know what I'm going to do. I feel like I'm thinking in circles, useless... Things fell apart because we stopped communicating properly. Good communicating includes listening. And we stopped doing that.
If I'm being honest, I miss the relatively sleepy life of a small town, the fairs and things like that. I miss it all but I was there for the wrong reasons, no matter how much I tried to fix it.
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